Renee, you’ve been telling us about the WIFEBOAT Online Support Groups. What sort of topics will you cover in this program?
The WIFEBOAT Online Support Group will be 2 hours a week for 12 weeks. After we take some time to share our stories, each session will have a short teaching on subjects relevant to their recovery–boundaries, wounded femininity, children and family issues–then we’ll have a group discussion on how this issue is affecting each one. I even have a special guest facilitator planned–my husband Joe will be on hand for a session to give the women a man’s perspective on all of this.
You mentioned “Boundaries” as one of the topics you’ll be teaching on. What are boundaries, and why do they matter?
Boundaries are important because they define what we will allow and what we won’t allow. Boundaries are for correcting an attitude or action of disrespect and are used to protect us from any future wounding. When someone violates boundaries by breaking a marriage covenant with sexual sin, it’s like they’ve stolen something from you. So, in order to correct that and begin restoring trust (part of what was stolen) in the marriage, boundaries have to be communicated and respected.
What sort of emotions do these women go through?
The women usually report feeling like the bottom has completely dropped out of their lives. Life as they knew it is gone, and they feel lost. They feel angry, everything about their identity is challenged–their identity as a wife, their identity in their family, in the community, even their sexuality–is challenged. A lot of women report physical pain (stomach ache, headaches), emotional pain (depression, can’t stop crying); they go through some serious trust and anger issues, and experience symptoms of grief.
How hard is it for them to finally forgive their husbands?
I think most wives who are wounded by their husband’s sexual sin want to forgive their husbands, but most struggle with how and when. An important distinction is the difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness can be given–by God’s grace He enables us to do that–but trust has to be earned. Depending on the husband’s attitude about what he’s done, his wife may be able to trust again as he shows consistency in his own recovery over a period of time. But forgiveness is a process too — of facing what’s been done to us and giving it up to God as a fragrant offering.
Can a marriage ever really be healed after a husband has committed adultery or used pornography?
First let me say that the process of restoring a marriage damaged by sexual sin isn’t for cowards. Sometimes, despite the best efforts of one partner or the other, the marriage doesn’t survive. But yes, marriages have been healed and many times are better than they were before. When a couple walks through this process right, then they will probably be communicating better, respecting each other better and will have grown in their faith. Sometimes the rebuilt broken bond is stronger than the original one. But don’t get me wrong, it’s a process that demands committment and maturity on the part of both partners.
So there’s hope?
There’s always hope… because ultimately our hope isn’t in our own abilities or efforts. Our hope is in God, who gives us the grace we need to perservere and who has the ability to bring depth and meaning to the things we go through in our lives. We never have to be ashamed when we put our hope in Him! He is near to those who come to Him in truth and with a humble heart.-R
3 weeks ago I found out my husband f 13 years was having an emotional affair with an old friend of his. I found messages between the 2 of them where he was asking her for sex and oral sex. I then found text messages between the 2, but he had her in his phone as “Tom”. Lastly I found naked pictures of her that she had sent him. I confronted him about it and asked him to get out of the house. After about 2 weeks, he came and told me how sorry he was and that he wanted to work this out and wanted to go speak with a marriage counselor, to which I agreed. We went this past Wednesday and all seemed like it went well. The following day, I found that he was signed up on a sexual encounter website, had a profile and was looking for a friend with benefits. His profile indicated that he has been in a loveless marriage for 13 years and that he is no longer with his wife soon to be ex. When I asked him about that, he turns around and tells me that he is a sex addict and has a problem. We have a 7 year old child together and I just don’t know what to do. This whole situation is making me sick. I have BP issues and ended up in the ER on Tuesday with chest pains and I really thought I was dying. I don’t eat, don’t sleep and just cry all day. I use don’t know where else to turn. PLease Help!!
Becky:
I hope you are doing ok since you wrote your comment here. I hope you’ve gotten counseling and some direction by now – your situation sound very serious, and I’m not sure, given what you’ve told me, that your husband is in a humble or repentant frame of mind. At any rate, the most important thing you can do is determine what your boundaries are and get support in implementing them. Boundaries are first and foremost for your own protection, and it sounds like that’s what you need first. Getting into counseling and a support group will definately help you, and I think it goes wtihout saying – get some new friends! See my post “Who’s Holding Your Trampoline?”.
Please check back and let me know how you’re doing. -R
Hi Mindy:
I’m sorry about what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re very emotionally raw, and it’s difficult to repond to what’s going on. The first thing I can suggest is to take a few steps back and try to sort things about before saying or doing anything rash or drastic. I’d suggest you write down your feelings about what’s happened, then list some things that you’d like to see change in your interactions with your husband. (For example, this may invovolve setting boundaries with him on the sarcastic comments. And it may also invovle changing your tone as well – making sure that when you respond, you respond in a way that’s not going to escalate as situation to where things get unproductive.) Remember, you’re not responsible for what he did, but you are responsible for your responses.
In addition, I hope that in your counseling sessions, you’ll be able to work on boundaries and what the terms will be for your staying together moving forward, as I think the clearer you can be on expectations, the more peace you will feel staying and working this out with him. If you have a trusted friend or someone who is safe, please reach out to them, as this is not something you can do alone and without support. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of those little boys.
Hope that helps – please stay in touch and let me know how you’re doing. -R
I found out over a month ago that my husband was having an emotional affair. Even after I found out he still continued to talked to her. We have started counseling but I am at the end of my rope. Everything I do is wrong, everything I say is incorrect and he takes it totally to the other side. I not allowed to have my feelings and I need to respect him. At our last counseling session she asked how we have resolved any conflicts. Looking at the the little conflicts that we are having now, I know now why we can’t. I ask a question because of the conflict and he gives a smart a$$ comment or uses his sarcaism comments, which because he is not taking me seriously elevates me. I told him this last night and he comes back with so it’s all me fault. I don’t show that it is it shows we are both at fault. Right now I don’t really want to go out around people because I’m embarrassed. He asked why I didn’t want to go to the church picnic which he would never want to go to and I said because I am embarassed. He can’t see why, people asking me questions like why would even try to stay with him. Because we saw someone from my church at counseling it also makes me even more uncomfortable. He just thinks that I think they have a perfect marriage. In retro spec how do I answer their questions and handle the looks I’m going to get. He left with the boys before I could even explain, mostly because his idea is correct. I now struggle do I stay do I leave? I have two little boys to think about, what do I do? I can’t handle much more. Help, I have no because I haven’t told anyone. What do I do?
I have found out in the last week my.husband of 32+years has spent 5+years cheating with 5 different women, one of those he spent over 18 months pursuing. His most recent affair, he spent 18months with her while still being my husband. He said it was all about the chase, the conquest, the excitement, the ability to make everyone believe his lies. He told our children we were never getting back together so they would accept his daliances. I asked him he didn’t tell them the truth– that he was cheating. His response was sarcastic. He said, “Wouldn’t that have been pretty?” All this was after I asked him to tell the kids the truth. He snarled “What do you want me to tell them, the gory details?” I said, no just tell them what you did because you lied to them and used them. He told me he slept with my ex-best friend of 28years in our bed.
I am in the process of trying to figure out where to go for some counseling. He made sure I have no friends to turn to. He had these women here in my house, my bed, my livingroom. They were in his car, his business in our kids lives. He had a triple life going while he had me believe he was faithful. I hate him, yet I love the man he used to be.
I found out a year ago that my husband of two and a half years had affairs with other men plus was on a porn website where he had his profile set up. We have gone to several different types of counseling, individual and marriage. He believes he is cured yet will not admit his sin or discuss it with our pastor. Actually he wanted to attend a new church and we did for some time but we are not connected there. I began to attend our previous church with my son (where he grew up-now 20) and my husband wants nothing to do with it yet he will go with hesitation. He will no longer seek counseling because according to him, he’s cured. He will not seek pastoral counseling. He does not pray with me. When he was in counseling, he would read the Word every morning but he’s not doing that either. I ask him if he is doing anything he shouldn’t and he asks me why i ask him those questions but then again i know he wouldnt admit it if he did. I’m not sure what to believe . I’m holding strong to the Lord knowing that he will make my next step clear. I’m having major trust issues with my husband. He tells me he loves me and wants us to be together yet I sense the secrets.
Jackie:
I’m glad that you and your husband are in the healing process now. Ideally, that process would include some sort of couples counseling and/or mentoring so that both of you have some support from others who are experienced in helping couples recover from infidelity. This helps facilitate communication and helps you get through some of the hard issues together, so you won’t feel there are “undone” areas. Those “undone” areas are the ones that seem to leave a vacume where all sorts of crazy making thoughts come. Also, I’d suggest you get some personal support to go through this as well, as you may need a sounding board and some good Christian counsel on setting boundaries, grieving, trusting. Support makes all the difference.
That being said, Jackie, healing from a painful experience like this takes time. Compare it to being in a car accident – if you sustained many serious physical injuries, it would take time to heal from them. I’m glad you have a strong relationship with God. Continue to trust in Him and pour our your heart to Him. Ask Him to send you the practical support you need as well. He uses other believers in our lives to bring comfort, hope, wisdom and enouragement. If there’s anything WifeBoat can do, please let me know. For more information, please check the tab on WifeBoat Support Groups. Take care, and stay in touch! -R
I will have been married 2 years this upcoming March, and I found out back in November that my husband had cheated on me only a year into our marriage. When we met in 09 he had only been a Christian for a few months where as I have been a Christ Follower since I was a child. We hit it off so well and his passion for Christ made him all the more attractive. We spent many long nights talking about our ministries and where God would lead us. I knew he was the man that I had been praying for the entire year prior to meeting him. I was praying for whoever my future spouse was going to be.
Needless to say we got engaged and married. Then I don’t know what happened. The previous two longterm realtionships he had been in ended with the girlfriends cheating on him. So I knew going into the relationship that he would more than likely have trust issues. I was naive about it though. As I was dealing with still hurts from my past he wanted me to open and honest about it, so I was. Unfortunately he viewed my pain from a past relationship as me not getting over it and marrying him out of rebound. Totally not true and it was never a question of whether I wanted to marry my husband or not. He then thought that since I didn’t want to be physical till we were married was because I was having triggers from my past. I told him repeatedly that it was because I wanted to remain pure for our wedding night. So for months he was had these thoughts in his mind and was trying to make sense of it all. He thought I was like his other relationships where I wasn’t honest and going to hurt him. For months I was on my knees praying for him and our marriage.
He became a different person towards me and then started questioning his own faith. He filed for divorce this past summer and I refused to sign the papers. I told him that divorce is not an option and that we were going to make it though what ever was going on. I had even commented that I wouldn’t even divorce him if he had cheated on me. Little did I know that his anger and resentment towards me had stemmed from him being unfaithful.
Then it was an up and down cycle all summer long through the fall… one minute we are looking at buying a house, the next minute he is texting me that we should go our separate ways. I remained true to praying for him everyday and throughout the day. I spent more times on my knees before God than I had my entire lifetime. Finally, things were starting to look up and he said he had peace about God and our marriage. Then he flipped out again and said it just wasn’t working. Then… He finally broke down and told me what had happened. He had thought that he didn’t deserve me and felt so guilty for what he had done that figured he could save me the pain of his cheating if he would just divorce me.
Then he didn’t want to because he saw my true heart and how faithful I had been to him and to God. He saw that I honestly was a gentle spirit who feared God over anything else. I was never going to be unfaithful or manipulative because I would have to answer to God. When he told me all this, I felt a since of relief because his actions now made since and I knew I wasn’t going to crazy. So now we are going through the healing process. When we are together I have joy that I’ve never had before. But then… when we are apart… emotions hit me hard. I forgive my husband and I’m continually praying for protection of our marriage. I just feel bipolar sometimes… my husband is great, when I have those moments he reassures me that he isn’t going anywhere and we cry together and pray together. My question is… does it get easier? Does the pain eventually go away? What can I do to take these thoughts captive and give them to God? I’ve seen marriages come out of situations like this stronger than ever.. How do we do that?
I have been searching for a support group for infidelity. I hope you can help me. I have been married for 24 years, my husband recently cheated on me. He has actually cheated on several times in that 24 year span but this one was not a drunk in the bar one time deal. He was intimate with this woman, several times, and kept contact with her over several months the whole time telling me that he loved ME, never wanted to lose me, couldn’t live without me, and we were having the best intimacy of our lives, night and morning both. Little did I know he would text her before crawling into bed with me, wake up to me say he loves me make love to me and then he run to continue texting her. He said he was so scared she would tell me about their one time of his weak moment, she was psycho and he needed to keep her from flipping out and telling me, he said he was so scared he would lose me over it. I witnessed her psycho attitude one night and she’s a crazy B! But she’s married, a 44 year old woman married to a 27 year old little boy, and they’ve only been married for a little over a year, AND she lives down the street from us! He has begged me not to leave him, he hates the very sight of that woman, wishes it had never happened, wants to start over. We have been going to counseling, he confessed this in May, but kept contact like I said to keep her quiet, then Aug 8 couldn’t take anymore, blocked her from his phone and stopped all contact, then telling me the rest of the story. Yesterday we went shopping, for a b-day gift for a friend, but he pulled me aside and said lets find you a new ring, go to Vegas and renew our vows. I’m so confused, love him with my whole heart, I believe he loves me but when will he stop cheating?
Well, so much to say. I will try to cut to the chase. I need some support. My husband of 21yrs has been diagnosed with GID (Gender Identity Disorder). That means in short he is a man that believes he should have been born a women. As you can believe that has sent this family in to a spin. an awful spin. I have search so much and I know what i believe (that it is not Gods will for him to change his body). Well, my husband; he believes in what the world is telling him, that it would be OK if he changed his body. And that there is nothing that can be done but change. BUT he has now said after almost a year that he wants to in his brain but that he isn’t going to because he loves his family and wife. Nothing about God, he is trying to reconnect but still sees his worldly counselor that says nothing can be done but change. He also has his Facebook acct in his girl name. PLEASE if you have anyone who can help me I really need it. He has filed for divorce months ago and I WANT MY HUSBAND NOT THIS OTHER PART that has hurt me so bad. He seems to be doing well but it also seems that he keeps that door open just enough so he can dip so to speak. I want to trust him but when will I know and how? This secret and lies have been going on for years. I pray all the time. My christian family is falling apart . I love him the man. and i truly need help. I’m seeing a christian counselor that of course he doesn’t like.
Hey, looking for a place to share my feelings & get advice from women whole have or still going through what i am.
So I found out a month ago my husband of 5 years had been hiring escorts for sex. I’m a stay at home mom of a 3 year old, almost 2 year old and 8 months pregnant with last baby. So to find this out was not only devestating but a total shock. He was very active in our church a great dad–so unexpected. I found out by email he had gotten. He confessed all of it and said only actually happened twice- the rest was chatting/pictures.
We are currently in a Christian 12 step group and working through this. He’s told me over and over how sorry and I believe he is. But I can’t get past thinking of it. Thinking was it twice or more and he thinks I should be over it already.. I’m so full of mixed emotions.
Coty:
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through… those types of thoughts would make a person feel trapped, and that’s a set up for so many things that are not healthy. You may be feeling depressed and ruled by fear. That’s why it’s is important for you to get some help from an outside, objective third party. It seems to me that you may have the wrong idea about what going to a counselor is about – a counselor is there for you to have a safe place to talk about the things you need help in sorting out; once you enter into a relationship with one, it’s confidential. They are not supposed talk you out of things or convince you of things you’re not feeling. They help you explore what you’re feeling and get a practical way to deal with the issues that brought on the feelings. There are times that your feelings are trying to tell you something, and a counselor helps you get to what that might be.
Perhaps it’s more difficult for you to agree to see a counselor since it was your husband that suggested it. But I’d encourage you to find a pastor, Christian counselor or even a close friend to start “laying out the details” and talk. Your husband may or may not be having an affair, but from what you said, you are feeling lost and hurt and operating under a suspicious cloud of fear–please seek someone out soon. And please check back with us here and let us know how you’re doing. -R
Hello…
I’m needing some serious HELP.
I am a prisoner to consuming thoughts my spouse isn’t being faithful.
I’m seeking advice of what I should do?
Not ALL men are cheaters; however, there are things in my day to day life with hubby that make me suspicious.
My husband is very religious, extremely devoted to his family, and a very affectionate and considerate man; however, this doesn’t mean he’s a perfect person and perfect husband.
I’d really like a way to lay out details of day to day things I notice that cause me to feel uncomfortable and get advice. Not comfortable with a counselor situation just yet.
I often feel like so much is hidden from me, that its unfair my husbands family has a special relationship with his xwife, and that my hubby has people to support him should he be choosing to have an affair with his x… such as they could be providing alibis and etc.
My heart hurts so often. My husband says my suspicions aren’t right and wants me to see a counselor. But I’d much rather catch him doing either right or wrong and learn for myself, than to have somone else convince me of one or the other.
Just feel so “lost” and hurt inside.
I found out about a month ago that my husband was looking at inappropriate images of women on our computer. I am so incredibly hurt. we are getting counsel from church. but he doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t “move on” from it. Sometimes my anger is so bad toward him. I want to be tender towards him, but find it very hard to not be bitter. we’ve been married almost 24 years. How can I move on? I feel at the verge of tears most times.
Debbie:
I not sure I’m answering your question right, but I’ll give this as try. Are you asking why it seems we’re saying that the wounded spouses should be “helping” the husband who wronged them? And why should wives feel like something was wrong with them, like they were the ones responsible?
First, if a husband has committed sexual sin, he and he alone is responsible for what he’s done. He may try to place blame on his wife by saying she drove him to it (for various reasons) but that would be entirely wrong.
A wife, though, is responsible for how she handles her responses: Is she destuctive with her anger? Does she punish and humliate? Is she bitter? Does she try to alienate his children from him? She has every right to be angry and hurt, but she doesn’t have the right to turn around and sin in return. (See Micah 6:8)
A wife may decide to stay with her husband to pursue reconcilliation and healing, if she feels he is truly repentant and willing to work on rebuilding trust with her. But it is still up to him to pursue his own recovery. She cannot and should not do this for him! Then, I would say there are constructive things a wife should do to take care of herself, (see WifeBoat Just for Today) and I always encourage women to be looking for ways to do this.
I guess that’s the short answer for now. I encourage you to look through some of the other articles on this blog for more. We also cover this in the WifeBoat Support Groups, if you’re interested in pursuing that. Blessings -R
How come this issue of the affect of wife/husband support is not addressed? It’s always just an addition…you need to help him get over it… why are the spouses the ones who feel like the ones who committed the crime….
Kim,
This must be a difficult Christmas season for you, considering what happened two years ago. I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. If you don’t feel like your husband is operating in the truth with you regarding what he’s doing, I think the best thing to do is to have a conversation with him about it, and preferably with a thrid party present. A Christian counselor or a pastor would be there to help you both sort out what you feel is happening, and to get objective feedback. In addition, it would be away from the children in a safe setting where you could get to the root of the matter.
From there, the counselor or pastor can help you determine what the next steps should be. Here are some questions that come to my mind: When your husband moved back in, did he show remorse for what he said to you and what he did, and did he take action to make sure he dealt with the issues that contributed to the affair? Should your husband get into some sort of accountability relationship to help him in the areas that he’s tempted in? Should you both be in couple’s counseling? What help is there for you, a wounded wife, and how do you get support? Are there any issues that you yourself didn’t address when you allowed him to move back in with you after the first affair? What about setting boundaries? How does he feel this is affecting your kids?
I would encourage you to take the concrete steps above to help you determine what to do. As you said, praying and hoping must also be accompanied by getting counsel and wisdom from those who are experienced to help. If you are not able to find help in your local area, you can contact Genesis Biblical Counseling for information on phone consultations, as well as checking out information on the WifeBoat Support Groups.
Kim, I’m glad you reached out and posted here. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, and please let me know how you’re doing. -R
My husband left me two years ago on Christmas Eve. We have two small children and he basically abandoned us. He screamed and yelled at me and said it was my fault for not being a good enough wife. I found out later that he was involved with another woman. He swore that the affair began after he left me so after some time, I took him back. Now that time has passed, I know in my heart that the affair began before he left and he is still lying to me. How can I work on forgiving and trusting him when he is still lying to me? I want nothing more than for my marriage to work out – but I don’t know how to bring him on board. He has finally started going to church with the kids which I take as a positive sign. However, he has started hiding text messages and lying about where he goes – how can I not think he is cheating on me again? Am I supposed to just keep praying and hoping? For how long? I am miserable and I think that my kids are noticing that.
Donna,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through, and especially now during the holiday season. This sounds so very simplistic, I know, but I hope you have someplace–church or family–to go to right now. You have probably spent alot of time giving care to your husband through his health and sobriety issues, and now you’ve been hit pretty hard. So I hope you have a good Christian support system in place. If you don’t, I hope you will go see your pastor or a good Christian counselor.
But, I know I would love to hear back from you and how you’re doing. If WifeBoat can be a place where you get support, from fellow women on this site, please come back and post your thoughts. I’ll be praying for you this day, Donna. May the Lord give you peace and an assurance that He is with you. He is always faithful and cares for you deeply. Many Blessings, -R
I’ve been married to my husband for almost 33 yrs. We stated dating when we were 16yrs. old. We’ve been through so much together. We survived his drinking problem. He’s been sober now for 17 yrs. We’ve been battling very serious heart issues with him. He was put on the national transplant list two years ago. We’ve had several near death experiences. Now much to my surprise he told me that he has a girlfriend that he’s been seeing for the past year. He has moved out of the house and is staying in a motel with her. He has now told me that she’ll take over all the heart transplant process and be there for him instead of me. He just had a check up appt. at the heart transplant center yesterday and it was very painful to not be there with him for that appt. This woman has stepped in and taken over my life with my husband. This is just more than I can bear. He has jumped onto her cell phone plan so that he doesn’t have to have contact with me anymore. And says he wants a divorce. My head is still spinning. I feel like I am caught in such a nightmare.
Marie:
I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happened – that is such a devestating thing to find out about after 28 years of marriage. I know it’s a difficult thing to talk about with just anyone, but I hope you’ll be able to talk with someone in a safe setting to get some support. Perhaps a local professional Christian counselor, or your pastor would be able to offer some support.
We have been running online support groups this year which run for 12 weeks at a time. Our current groups are closed, but we will be starting up a series of new groups in mid-January. The women in the groups are awesome, and have helped each other through some very difficult times. And guess what, we even find at times, we can laugh! I will be sending out announcements shortly on these new groups, and I hope you’ll be able to join us. In the meantime, please try to get some support locally as this is something you cannot go through alone. Marie, all my best prayers for you and your family. One thing I know for sure, and that many of the ladies who read and contribute to this blog can tell you, is that God is faithful and good and He will be there for you. He will never turn you away. Take courage, sister! He loves you and so do we! -R
So right: restoring a marriage is not for cowards. It take guts to walk some of the steps that are needed. I see this all the time in my job as I talk to people broken by pornography.
You might like Covenant Eyes’ newest video about this as it pertains to pornography: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcpotyZ_oSM
I’ve been married for more than 28 years. Within the last month I discovered that my husband has had an affair with one woman, sexual of nature for more than 17 years, and then, a secret non-sexual relationship, with this same woman, until last month when I found out. I also found out that he was giving her money, monthly, for the past 5 years. Thousands of dollars.
Multiple steps have been taken with everything from blocking phone calls, no more evening office hours, police reports, and seeing a doctor. I am pretty numb, as far as my emotional process goes. The doctor mentioned something called…..”sexual addiction.” I’ve researched this term and out of the list of warning signs…….my husband had more than half. I have no one to talk with about this. No one. He was very, very good at keeping this secret. Do I love him ? Yes. Do I want to stay married to him ? Yes. Do I trust him ? No. I don’t know how to gain trust back. I wish there was a book. I wish I had known the signs. I cannot throw away 3 kids, 4 G-kids, and 28 years of good memories and milestones. What advise is out there for someone like me ? I am in my mid 50’s and he is in his mid 60’s. Thanks.
Nicole,
I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I did notice that you had a feeling that something was wrong and this echoes what many women say. They have a feeling or intuition that something is wrong — and after checking or confronting it proves to be true. Setting boundaries (and keeping them!) like you did is probably the single most important thing you could have done, first for you to prevent further wounding to yourself and to make a statement that you are worth being respected. And secondly, if he really values you, he will seek to do the things that will rebuild trust.
I would love to have you join the next group. Right now we have two groups running through November, and they are closed. But we will be starting up again in January for another round of groups. I’ll be sending out annoucements when we get closer to the time, as well as posting a banner ad on the site. Please stay in touch with us at WifeBoat in the meantime and let us know how you’re doing, and for further posts. We’re in this boat together, and we’ll get through the storm that way too! Blessings, -R
I’ve known my husband has had a problem with pornograghy for many years. Last year I found out he had an affair with a women he met online. We went to counseling and he seemed to make a big improvement. The last couple of months I’ve noticed he was slipping back to his old habits. (Staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning, being secretive and complaining about not having enough sex). I checked his email and found out he has been looking at pornograghy and chating online. I made him move out and said I couldn’t live with him until he got into counseling for his addication (which he refused to do the 1st time) and made some real changes. I could really use your support group as our town is very small and there aren’t many options. Any time is good for me.
Thanks,
Nicole
Lolly,
I am so glad that you’re here on the WifeBoat site! And I am overwhelmed by your story and your faith in the Lord. Thank you for sharing it with us. I know many who read it will be helped.
I’m looking forward to meeting you through the group and will be forwarding additional information to you soon. May God’s peace flood you this evening, dear sister! -R
I just signed up for the wife boat support group starting this month. Thank you for a link to a group of women who can honestly say they “understand.” I have struggled with this burden for 32 years of marriage. I both love and hate my husband at the same time. I am worn out and exhausted from trying so hard to “hold it all together” and stay in the relationship . . . one more time. I have searched for a safe place to share and be heard and feel understood. It is hard to talk about all that has happened. It is hard not to feel too overwhelmed by speaking the words. I never thought I would find myself in this kind of relationship. The pain, the betrayal, the shame, the fear of being judged for being married to someone who would do these things. The fear of someone finding out about my husband’s hidden sin. The guilt I have felt for not being enough of a wife to sustain him without his addiction to porn. Intellectually, I know better . . . but the guilt sneaks in none the less. I feel hopeful that I have found that place where I can talk about it all . . . and hear about the experience of others. Through all of these years of painful betrayals, I have been blessed with a strong faith in God. I don’t know how it has “survived” . . . this faith I cling to so tenaciously. But survive it has . . . without it, I would not have “survived” the things I have seen and experienced. It is not of my doing this faith, but it is a comfort in the darkness. I know it is a gift from God that I am wholly unworthy of, but I am grateful for it. It sustains me. Still, I long for the connection with other women who understand and will hear my pain and still focus on God . . . even through the pain we share. I do feel so lost at times and so thoroughly worn out and alone here on earth. I still can usually find that light of God’s Love deep within me . . . even though it is very dim at times and I must search very hard to find it. Right now, it is quite dim and I am quite tired. I feel God led me to the group and I feel blessed that it exists. Thank you.
Your stories sound so much like mine. I have known about the porn since 2001. It broke my heart. My husband a deacon of the church…he spoke to a couple of brother deacons about it but refused to go to further counseling because he could change. I believed him. That was the worst mistake I made. I wish that I had gone to our pastor and just told him..but I was bound by this false since of loyalty and shame.
A month ago my husband lost his job because he abused computer priveleges at work. He had underage porn…lost his job…now there is all of the legal stuff to deal with.
I’ve been married 35 years and could not believe what I was hearing. I wanted to curl up and die instead I prayed for strength and wisdom. God has been good. My husband is in counseling. Why did it take a situation like this to open his eyes? to open mine?
I love the man I married…yet it seems as though he was two different people. How blind I was. I am thankful that he has turned to the Lord for repentence and he knows that there are consequences for sin and that he will pay the price.
I start my support group next week and have been thankful for counseling. Thank you all for sharing your life may God give you wisdom to live your lives in the way he intented.
EOR
Kelley,
I think many women want to give their husbands room to repent of this type of sin, and so they stay in their marriages hoping he will change. But when the guilt over what he’s doing gets translated into mental abuse and insults towards you, then you unfairly bear the burden of his guilt. It’s bad enough that husbands do the thing (pornography, strip clubs) but when they try to make themselves feel better by blaming their wives for not being the perfect fantasy that their minds have cooked up, it sure makes it unbearable and completely unfair.
I’m glad you’re in a place where you can pursue your own healing and concentrate on your kids now. Perhaps your husband will experience true repentance–but his recovery from his sexual addiction is his responsibility, not yours. Sometimes setting boundaries like you have is the best way to facilitate it; at any rate, it is the best thing for you to prevent further wounding to yourself. And like you said, your job is to raise your kids in a loving environment, and to continue to seek the Lord.
Kelley, thanks for commenting on WifeBoat. I’ll look forward to hearing from you again. Take good care. -R
My husband and I have been in this cycle of deception and his sexual perversions for MANY years. I have recently (last week) left the home with our children. Every several weeks I would “bust him”, even on his computer at work. I would confront him as he had asked me to keep him accountable. He would try to blame someone else and when I would PROVE it was him, then he would accept responsibility. He has been signing into dating sites with alias names. He has been to the strip clubs, even used our debit card for a trail. Then he tells me what a horrible wife I am for not being his blow up doll with a pulse. I have been physically and mentally abused beyond what is acceptable to post here. I kept studying and praying and CLINGING to scripture. I frequently would quote 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 when my family and friends would question my purpose (moreover sanity) for staying and trying to work out my marriage. I stand today as a mess of brokenness.
BUT~ in the many years of abuse I have learned to KNOW Jesus! He is my best friend and my strong tower! He said “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness” 2 Corinthians 12:9. I have found that He is all I need. Our marriage is His and He can handle my husband. I am now going to wait on the Lord. For now, I will study and focus on caring for our children. I pray that the Lord will enable me His wisdom and discernment to guide the boys to the peace in Christ Jesus. I so desire their hearts and minds to find healing through the Lord. I know that He is able and I will put my trust in HIM! ~
Faye,
I am so very sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. We have to consider so many things in a marriage, especially when we have children and when we love our spouse. Marriage is a covenant and we also depend on and expect the other to keep faith with us–after all they promised that. But it sounds like your husband took advantage of your love and desire to trust him, betrayed you and even used your own guilt to manipulate you into trusting him. I am glad to hear that you are in counseling and getting support to help you sort through what your options are. And that’s what you’ll need to do now, because it seems like he does not want to get help.
I want to encourage you, Faye, because there is freedom in the Lord and He wants that for you. You have His love and the love of your children. I hope also that you are connected to good church where you can be built up and cared for and where you can be honest about what you’re going through. (See my post on friendship, Who’s Holding Your Trampoline?)
Please stay in touch with us here at WifeBoat and let us know how you’re doing. We will be offering ongoing support groups starting this month and in the year to come, as well as other resources that become available. I will be praying for you. Remember the Lord is watching over you and is with you, sees your pain and will bless you as you come to Him truth! -R
I’ve been married for nearly 10 years. The last 2 years have been quite miserable. Unlike anne’s story my husband never confessed. I was 18 years old when I married, I had a deep commitment to God and very active in my church. Which by the way his father pastored. We would pray and read the word together daily then I noticed early on that he didn’t not seem interested. He would never initiate it. After the 1st year, just months after having our 1st child I soon found out that he wasn’t wearing his ring and a letter on my our car from another woman to him. Once I forgave that and tried to move on from that I found pornograghy on the internet history. I forgave that and ask him to consider that he was inviting this spirits into our house and maybe he should get help because I couldn’t stay in that type of relationship. Growing up all the men in my family struggled with that sexual sin. And I just didn’t want to be around that. So needlessly to say year after year I found pornography on my computer. I still stuck around. He said he never had slept with anyone. Not even the woman who was leaving him notes. By year 7, the trust I had in him was gone. By year 8, My self-esteem was so low and I struggled with my sexuality until I reconnected with an ex. We had a 2 week affair. And I couldn’t go on, the guilt was killing me and I knew it wasn’t right! So I confessed! I told him I didn’t deserve his forgiveness and if he wanted to leave me to go right ahead. In my mind, I knew I didn’t trust him and I didn’t want to be with the other person either because I only did it out of hurt and pain. But he said he had forgiven me and wanted to work it out. I was hopeful we would get counseling instead he was caught talking to women online just a couple of months later. Then said he was sorry and started doing all this extra stuff like flowers and roses. But still no counseling. So I’m like okay, I think I’m falling in love again! And trying hard to get a relationship with the Lord because forgiving myself for my affair seemed impossible. Then 6 mos later I was hit with the shocker of a 3 month affair that he was having a co-worker. And that was nearly 2 years ago every since my life has gone down hill. I come up for air momentartily and before I know it I’m taken under again. I have not left the house because of our 3 children. I started counseling and asked him if he would get marriage counseling and even gave him the number of a counselor. He still hasn’t went for help. He has been involved with other women. And of course I could go on and on. So last night I finally cried out to the LORD for real and asked him to help me get out of this! I want to live a life that pleases Him and I don’t want to keep sowing seeds of unrighteousness. Being an example for my children is so important to me. I know the marriage is over. I just want a fresh start and to know that God will have mercy upon us.
Anne,
I can feel what you’re going through – this is so similar to what happened to me.(See It Happened to a Nice Christian Girl). The difference is that your husband is dealing with porn and your husband seems to want to get help with this. But what you are going through, along with the worries about being a new mom, is just overwhleming!
I hope you have someone you can talk to about this and perhaps this is too new. But please seek some godly counsel as a couple with your pastor or a Christian counselor. They should be able to help you stabilize a little and get a handle on what you need to do next.
I would say you and your husband will have to determine what he intends to do and if he is in the process of getting into accountability and support. Celebrate Recovery has groups all around the country, so if your church doesn’t presently have a recovery program, I’d recommend looking at their website to see if there is one nearby. If you need resources on phone counseling, please check out my husband’s website and his book The Game Plan: The Men’s 30 Day strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity. This book gives a practical path to staying sexually “sober” and I would highly recommend it for both you and your husband to read. Also, you can check out these articles Pornography: Darkening Our Minds
and Ten Tips for Maintaining Sexual Integrity.
My WifeBoat 12 week support group is starting next week, so if that fits into your schedule, please contact me. If it doesn’t, please look into getting support for yourself. It is possible to recover from this if both partners in a marriage are honest and earnestly pursue healing and recovery. I will pray for you, Anne, I so feel what you’re going through. Please let me know how you’re doing – everyone on this blog will be thinking of you. And please remember that God loves you so much and is your Strong Tower and Refuge. I pray His presence floods you and His peace is there this very moment to comfort you. Hope to hear back from you soon.-R
my husband just informed me 2 days ago that he has been hiding an addiction to pornography for the past year, this past year was only our first year of marriage together. we are a younger couple and we have a newborn son. I have gone through a range of emotions the last 48 hours, one minuet ready to separate, then thinking there may be hope worth sticking around for the next. I feel that I have so much to deal with, learning how to be a mom, still learning how to be a wife and now this. I can’t help but feeling that everything we’ve been through this past year has all been a lie, false, not ever what I thougt it was because there was a secret being hidden from me. I’m glad he came clean, it was actually your program on wcrf that sparked the conversation. I am hoping to be able to restart. I am longing for the marriage and husband I dream of having in my heart. my husband is trying to assure me that it has nothing to do with me, but rather a problem he had before I came into his life, and now wishes he dealt with before making a marrital commitment. Where is there comfort to be found? I fear being taken over by depression or anger and being ruined by this as a mother and a person.
Gina,
I have had a few women tell me that the time we are holding the meetings won’t work for them, so I am considering doing another group at a different time to accommodate their schedules. If you were able to participate, what times would work for you? I assume that you would need a later time than 4:00-6:00pst.
To anyone else out there who has an issue with the time but would like to particiate in the group, please let me know what times would work for you–let’s make this an informal survey to see if it’s feasible to offer another group. It’s worth checking into to see if the opportunity might be there.
Anyone else want to send me some proposed times? Feel free to contact me via the “Contact” tab on this blog if you’d like. -R
Will the Wife Boat seminar be offered again at a different time? I would like… sorry “need” to participate, but I am commuting from work at this time. Or can you recommend some written material/books? I feel okay sometimes, but the feelings of depression,anger and insecurity keep returning. It would be nice to get off the emotional rollercoster and begin to heal.
May God bless you and your ministry.
G
Gail,
I am so sorry to hear about what’s happened. That must hurt terribly! I would be honored if you can join our group August 25th. Please check the banner ad above for registration information. If you have any questions about the group, please contact me through the “Contact” tab above and I’ll give you any details you might need. Once you register, you’ll recieve additional information as well. I’m looking forward to hearing from you. God Bless, -R
I would like to be involved in the upcoming series. My husband has been in an affair for the last 9 months. He is beginning the divorce process. I had told him that I would not divorce him so he has decided that he will divorce me even though he does not have any biblical grounds to do so. We have been married for 39 years when he decided to get involved with a high school sweetheart.
Darcy,
So glad to have you with us! I trust God will use the WifeBoat Group to meet the needs that have brought you here, and I’m really looking forward to working with you. Other women have already signed up, and I expect we’ll have a few more coming about by the time we begin on August 25th. I’ll be emailing you additional information tomorrow, and will look forward to getting you signed up. Thanks for commenting. God Bless. -R
Thank you for offering Wifeboat. I will like to be involved in this series. I know I need it!