The Faces Behind the Issues
Here in California, we’re in the middle of a huge and heartbreaking controversy over Proposition 8, the marriage amendment that essentially banned same-sex marriage in this state. Amidst all the political upheaval, people often forget the faces behind the issues: many of those faces belong to women who are trying to cope with the revelation that their husband is homosexual. And though the Christian worldview on homosexuality differs from that of our culture, it does not necessarily grant immunity from the issue hitting Christian marriages.
Because of my own husband’s work over the years, I’ve known so many women in this position. I’ve wept and prayed and walked alongside them. And I’ve learned a few things in the process. So I’d like to offer some thoughts.
What do you do if your husband says “I’m gay”?
1. Much will depend on how your husband feels about homosexuality, and about your marriage. Does he view homosexuality as legitimate, or as a tendency to be resisted? Is he considering leaving your marriage, or is he committed to staying with you and learning to deal with his feelings for other men? Is he at the very least willing to stay faithful to you despite his homosexuality, or is he considering “coming out” and declaring himself gay? These are questions you need to ask; the sooner the better.
2. Remember the difference between a homosexual orientation (inner attractions to men) versus homosexual behavior (sexual contact with men or viewing of homosexual pornography) If his orientation is homosexual, that’s a completely involuntary condition which he didn’t choose, nor can he choose to simply “change” it. In short, it’s not his fault. If, on the other hand, he’s engaged in homosexual behavior, that is indeed a choice, one that he’s morally responsible for. Either way, neither his orientation nor his behavior are a reflection on you, and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent or cause either of them.
3. Immediately set an appointment with your pastor, or a Christian counselor, or a trusted mentor. As a couple, sit down with this third party and clarify what steps need to be taken at this point. These steps should include:
(a) Ongoing couple’s counseling to address your options as a couple, depending on what your husband chooses to do about his sexuality.
(b) A safe place – woman’s support group, for example, or your own counselor – for you to work out your own feelings, fears and needs while you’re dealing with this.
4. If your husband has been sexually active consult with your doctor and discuss the various tests you should have for sexually transmitted diseases or HIV. While there’s no reason to panic or jump to conclusions, it would be foolish not to insure your own health and deal with whatever medical problems may arise from your situation.
5. Avoid immediate, knee jerk reactions (jumping into divorce court; demanding he leave the home; etc.) Work with a counselor or pastor to determine the best courses of action, and don’t let yourself make a quick, poorly thought through decision.
Key Verse
“For I know the thoughts that I have towards you, says the Lord.
Thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
-Jeremiah 29:11
Resources
Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas
When Homosexuality Hit’s Home by Joe Dallas
The Truth Comes Out by Nancy Heche
Genesis Counseling 2-Day Intensives – Men and Couples
I am dating a man who admitted that he is a gay. We are not committed yet, but i am very interested in him. He told me that he wanna try a hetero relationship, but I am very afraid about it. I fear i got myself envolved with a gay and i just hurt myself with this relationship. Otherwise, i fear i hurt him when i breakup and this action make him to become definitely gay. Another possibility that make me afraid is getting married with someone who many years later can change her mind and became gay. I really dont know how to act. Actually, i didnt know how to pray about it. Please, if someone can advise me.
This may seem a little strange me being a man, but there are no websites like this for men. About a year ago my wife of 18 years explained to me that she had fallen in love with another woman. She is a Christian woman and never seemed to have any homosexual desires in the past. She struggled with this for a year off and on and I tried to help her and understand her. Just as things started going well for her and us, she went back and has now left home and is living with the gay woman that she was having an afair with. Now she says that she wants a divorce but she is very troubled and confused. Right now I and my family and her family are in limbo. She was sexualy abused as a child. Is she really gay? Is there any hope for her or should I just prepare to go on with my life ?
I came to this website after doing a web search for online support and chat for women that are married to homosexual men. Reading through some of these posts’ has made me realize that unfortunately I am not alone…. It saddens me to know that there are so many women in world suffering just as I am.
Here’s my story, I’ll try to be brief. I met my husband in 2003. I was in a weird place in my life and I was young. We we began to talk, he was totally not my type. But our connection that we made was undeniable. I felt he understood me more than any other guy had ever had. We had a long distance relationship. For our first date I flew to LA to visit. At that time we both worked for an Airline and some of our coworkers voiced their opinions of him when I told them he was the one who had caught my attention. This one coworker in particular who is gay himself; straight up told me… “Hunny he’s gay….” Of course this “rocked’ me but I continued on as normal. I truly felt that if he were indeed gay he would’ve told me because that was the type of relationship we had. I met up with for our date and he took me back to his place. As we proceeded to have relations with each other; he couldn’t perform. I felt this knot develop in the back of my throat and I couldn’t sleep the rest of the night. He chalked it up to being nervous. That morning I woke up in a rush to go back home. I confronted him and asked him if he was gay. The look he gave me said it all. He explained that he had some same sex experiences but he doesn’t consider his self gay. I asked what was the difference, “are you bisexual?” He claimed that he didn’t go by labels. On the way to the airport he explained that he understood my mood and attitude and he would understand if I never wanted to see him again. Now to present day… 8 years and 4 kids later. We have been through hell and high water. I have experienced so much while being married to this man. All because of my faith and beliefs and not wanting to give up on my husband. I have caught him online, on his phone, he’s given me an std- and I’ll still stayed. Now I know without a shadow of a doubt most of you will say, “what was i thinking?” and “why haven’t I left yet?” The answer is don’t think that I haven’t tried to leave and my thoughts have been somewhat like Lisa’s. I view homosexuality as a sin, and we are all full of sin….. that’s why I’ve chosen to forgive so many times…. But at this pivotal moment today I feel that I have lost myself. I have lost my independence and my confidence. My sense of a loved women.. I find myself longing for some attention of the opposite sex and I also find myself crying out to the Lord in despair. My husband is confused. He has been confused. I’ve finally chosen to break loose- well we both have. As everything makes sense to leave. I am so hurt, angry and bitter. I find myself lashing out towards him and my tolerance level is at an all time low with everyone. I want to move on now reluctantly because I want regain all the things I loved about me back. But this is my most difficult challenge yet… Help me!
Ps. 40:2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along
Isaiah 40:29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
The questions that God has asked me is…. Do I want what God wants or do I want what I need,desire and deserve?
We wives all deserve a husband who loves us,is truthful to us,honors us, and loves only us. That is how God made it and the desire he put in us.
And I have been so tempted to wallow in that well honestly I have at times in the I deserve….. But God reminds me that He deserves to be loved only,served,honored,ect. by us His children and yet how many of us truly do that. I for one have put my husband and my wants from him above God way to many times. And honestly my husband can never fill that void that God is supposed to.
Sigh… I have been married for almost 12 years now. I new of my husbands homosexual past but was not really aware of how it would affect me and our marriage and neither was he. We now have just had our fifth child. My husband had cheated on me at least twice that I know of and been addicted to porn. When I married I made a choice that no mater what divorce wouldn’t be a part of my vocabulary. I had no idea how I would be challanged by that. My husband would have divorced three years ago if I had agreed. It would have been easier in many ways then seeing his face every day knowing he decided he wanted nothing to do with me or God. I cried so bad I thougth I would loose my baby I was carrying. I wanted to leave this world and not be hurt anymore.I wanted to leave my husband but new God was telling me not to.
I was blessed by being in a church and having people around me that I opened up to and found many open arms and hearts that loved me and my husband dispite what he was doing. I recieved uplifting words,scripture and compassion. 8 months later my husband came to me while I was holding my infant and said he wanted to come back to Christ but didn’t know how to start. It has been a long hard journey. I have watched my husband grow in so many ways. The way he is with our boys is amazing! The love I have seen in his eyes for me is totally new. Yet he addmitted to me that he had been studying and was coming to the understanding that he was gay oriented. I was devistated. I still am working on my hurt and pain. But the difference is he kept telling me how he loved me,how sorry he was,how he didn’t want what we have to change. Now I know it will change. I am not stupid by any means. He is searching for God and I realize I need to make God my strength and if I had let God be what he wanted to be in the beginning I would have been able to deal with this much better.
The first time my husband wanted to leave I set deffinit boundries with what would happen with our kids and him if he lived that lifestyle. Luckily he come back in two days and wanted to work it out.
My marriage has been so hard in many ways. God asked me once,” If I cannot show Gods unmerited love and grace to my husband how could I ever show it to any sinner out there?” WHich God has called us all to do. If I believe God created the heavens and the earth and sent his son to die for me then who am I to say God can’t put our marriage in the proper order that He God wants it to be. But that It has to be in Gods way and Gods time. Not mine.
I have saught God like never before! God has given me dreams and words of encouragment to keep strong and to hold on to my husband.
Honestly many many times that is the last thing I want to do. But God usually asks us to do something we think we can’t.
Right now I so wish I could take control and shake since into my husband but know that that is not the way God wants it. I have to set back and trust God to take care of my husband and make changes in him in Gods way and Gods time.
THat is very hard for me to do. To not know what the future has. Ahhh…. I was beginning to feel things were going great. I was beginning to trust. I have had such an emotion break down and felt like I was crawling after Christ to help me. He has!!!!
He has shown me sin in my life. He has reminded me of the many wonderful things aboutmy husband and the ways he loves me. He has asked me to love my husband no matter what. He has given me scripture and messages from the radio and songs and it has been amazing!
I stil hurt and I still desire but God is showing me how to line up me with him. It is a process that isn’t complete yet.
I hurt. I hurt badly but the more I focus on God,cry out to God and release my husband,me,our marriage and our children to God the more I am able to see clearly. To think clearly, to make it through the days all I feel is hurt and like this will never change. And to say God your will and your way not mine.
It is so hard. I have always been a quiet person. I have always felt bad because I couldn’t get myself to go up to people and witness to them about Christ. But what if the only person I need to show Christ to is my husband ( and our kids) ? What if God has called me to stand against satan and his desire to tare my husband,me and marriage appart?
Isn’t it the hardest to show love to those who hurt us when they are our spouse? It has been for me. And I have been angry at times knowing God wants me to show love to this man who keeps hurting me! But each time I do I see something happen. It doesn’t seem big at times and there are times I may not see anything for a long time.
But God told me when I was a young teen not to put God in abox. I don’t see many wives willing to stand by their husband through all of this. I have searched and found few. I have felt very alone in this journey. But I have never turly been alone.
My earthly father died when I was 10 and God has been my father ever since. He has never left me nor forsaken me. The days I don’t feel Him I cry out to Him often throught the day and know that there is tomorrow and He will not let me feel alone for long. If I seek Him I will find Him!
My husband is in Gods hands. My marriage is in Gods hands.
I know I will still hurt and my be hurt more. But God has a plan for me and my husband together. I know this and so does he for every marriage.
Fight the good fight! Don’t let satan win. It will hurt but God can and will help us through it!
I hate all I have and will go through yet I have to say praise God cause His ways are higher than mine!
I praise God for that! I praise God I didn’t know 11 years ago all the pain I would go through.
I am a better person for going through it. I am stronger and know that as I deal with this pain I will become stronger in Christ then ever before!
Christ will manifest Himself in my Husband,marriage and children. I will not let satan win this battle.
It is a spritual battle and I will fight daily and I have Christ on my side!
Lisa,
I’ve been there x17 years (Wow…still hard to believe!) and I am here to tell you sister “IT IS TIME TO LEAVE HIM”!!! Whether you go or he goes, the “marriage” has actually been over for a long time (if it really “was” at all). You will grieve the loss of him and what you thought he was, then you will grieve the dream of an intact family……God wants you to lean on Him for this. God has been trying to get your attention. You have been chissled away at on the most intimate level by that man but you are LOVED by God and it is time to reconnect with Him. Forgiveness is real and possible……it comes when you realize your “husband” did harm because he was disconnected from the Divine but YOU picked him. Focus on finding out what is it about “me’ that keeps “me” from fully living in God’s peace (ie. picking wrong men, staying with them, having more babies with them, etc.) is the start. Staying on that path to discover what is “healthy” for you according to God’s Word allows the confusion, anger, and fear to dissipate and the forgiveness is a natural consequence of you being fully connected to the Divine. Hold God’s Hand!! I am 3-years post-closet-husband…..he has his own demons to battle….. I pray for him, I do not defame him to others or to our children, and we have a good co-parenting relationship. I am now fully resting in God’s arms, saved by Jesus, filled with the Holy Spirit and truly appreciating the beautiful woman’s heart God gave me (and it is appreciated by others!!!;)
Humbled to the Point of Awareness…….His Will, Tonya
p.s. While I am Oh-Too-Familiar with the depths of Grieving I am suggesting you begin, I am also aware that being alone where you are now is WORSE. I am living proof that Jesus is the Light. And, I would like to encourage you by telling you about the wonderful man that God has brought in to my life now… However, I am still a little leary of my own judgement in the man-picking-arena SO I am keeping my dirty-little-fingers off of it and letting God’s Will Reign! Pray Hard Girl!!!
Ginger,
I think the most important thing for you at this point is to make sure you get support. It sounds like you have friends that you can confide in and tell your story to, and that’s good. I know many women who don’t have (or feel like) they have anyone they can tell. So please continue getting support, find ways to bring joy into your life and start the process of rebuilding yourself. If your husband really wants help, he’ll get it. It’s out there for him.
The problem with the issue of same sex attraction in particular and sexual addiction as well, is there is such a legacy of shame and secret keeping. Getting out of that mode is not for cowards and takes a long term committment. So let your recovery be yours, and let his be his. Take care of your kids, grieve, serve others, and I believe the Lord will bring you to a place of healing.
We will begin a new WifeBoat Online Support Groups at the end of August, so please stay tuned for more information. Blessings. -R
My husband of 20 years informed me Valentine’s weekend that “he should have been gay.” During the last four months, he told me he has had homosexual feelings since high school. He started acting out over two years ago. He led a double life with more men than he can count without me ever knowing. I am in counseling. He chose not to stay in counseling. He has decided that he will never feel the intimacy with me that he felt with a one night stand over 18 months ago. He is sick. Our teenage girls will not speak to him. What I do not understand is he still says he loves me. What drives a man to leave his faith, leave his family, and leave the wife he says he loves?
KC:
I’m so sorry to hear about this, and I know it’s devestating news. You very well may be just numb from it right now. So no wonder you’re in a state of indecision.
I’d suggest that you begin by getting support from your pastor or a Christian counselor to help you sort this outl, as much of your decision depends on what your husband wants to do. I’d also recommend you get some good information on the subject of homosexuality from a Christian viewpoint. You can go to joedallas.com for a list of books that may be helpful to you and check out the blog as well. We will also be starting a 12 week online support group in August, and I offer Individual Support as well.
At any rate, please get some good Christian counsel and support for yourself. That will help you make the decisions that are facing you now. Please let me know how you’re doing, and we’ll be keeping you in prayer. -R
I found out a month ago that my husband has been acting out on his homosexual urges. I am devestated and feel very hopeless for my future- I don’t want to be married to a homosexual, but I don’t want to divorce either. I am a strong believer and have prayed for hours about this, but right now, I don’t feel God at all. I am having severe anxiety. When will this get better? Where is God?
My husband cheated 15 years ago and wanted to stay married. I caught him looking at gay pornography several times and he always went to counseling. The other day I got into his facebook account and found a message back and forth between him and another man and they were making plans to meet. I told him it was time for him to leave. He has been verbally abusive for a while now and getting angrier and angrier. He admitted to having had several affairs and has since moved out. We have talked more since this happened than we have in 15 years. I am home with the kids now and feeling lost. I am praying for him. I have asked people that I know are prayer warriors to do the same. I don’t know that I want to remain married to him as he has lied to me our whole marriage. I don’t know that he wants to remain married to me although he told me he didn’t want our relationship to be over. I think he’s tired of fighting and doesn’t know what else to do. I feel alone, rejected and betrayed. Any words of encouragement now would be greatly appreciated.
Kim, the best low-cost options may be getting help from where your husband is going – if he is going to a Christian counselor or therapist, then I would suggest having monthly couples sessions with the existing therapist. There is also your church–they may provide pastoral counseling, and also various Celebrate Recovery groups that are held at churches around the country. There is probably one in your area. I would also suggest getting in touch with Exodus International which may have a ministry in your area. While you’re on their webiste, you can go to Exodus Books, where you can find many books on the subject. If you have any other questions, please let me know. WifeBoat only supports groups are a low cost alternative – the 12 weeks group fee is $200, which averages out to less than a Weight Watchers meeting. So please keep in touch with the webiste for information on the start of the next available groups. God bless as you seek out what He has for you. -R
I could not read all of these posts. My husband confessed he had been acting on homosexual urges – and was caught at work. He’s getting help, I need help. Please point me in some no-cost options, as we don’t have the money for what I’ve seen so far. Amazed that there are so many woman battling this, just amazed.
My husband and I went to college together. When we were engaged, he told me about some SSA encounters and that he wanted to seek accountability and he didn’t want to live that way. I believed him. I was pretty naive to what kind of help he really needed. His accountability dwindled and without my knowledge, he brought lies to the marriage. He’d had more encounters between confessing to me and when we married. We courted and didn’t even kiss until the altar. I thought everything about our relationship was so pure and beautiful.
Once or twice over the course of our 5 years of marriage, he has confessed that he’s had struggles with porn. I always chose to pray for him and try to hold him accountable. I really had no idea the depth of such a problem. I just always thought that praying and being a better wife would “fix” him. He was a minister, went to seminary, got a degree, etc etc. I wanted to believe that he was submitting these issues to the Lord and following the path of holiness.
Last August, he came to me and confessed that he was struggling and needed to leave the ministry for a while. He said he struggled with a man also in ministry at the church with him, but that it was inappropriate conversations only. When the other person wanted to make it more, my husband said he freaked. The other person was HIV positive, so my husband said that was a stark warning. We sold a lot of what we had and moved to a small town where we went to counseling twice and were told we were doing great. But I have had a really hard time feeling connected. I shared with him that I was constantly fearing that something else would come to light, that he wasn’t being entirely honest. I asked him over and over to be sure he had told me EVERYTHING. He assured me that he had, and I felt like it was my own problem of fear and suspicion and lack of forgiveness. I’ve been praying and seeking the Lord’s will for months on why my heart just wouldn’t heal.
Last Monday, another minister of that previous church found some things out. He drove to our town and confronted my husband, face to face. He insisted that he tell me everything. He told me he had been involved with at least 30 encounters during the course of our marriage, and that he’d had a sexual encounter with the fellow minister (the one with HIV, though no one in the church knew that). If our friend hadn’t come to our town to confront my husband on his sin, I’d still be thinking I was the one with the problem.
Since then, he has been extremely open. He has told me that he wants so badly to be rid of the SS attraction and sex addiction. He has pursued some counseling and wants to do whatever it takes. He’s currently living with an old mentor. He and his wife are church counselors and twice our age. (That’s the Lord working things out as far as the logistics go for separation on an EXTREMELY tight budget.) He is being held accountable to this man, and we are starting our counseling with a professional this week. I’ve agreed to begin the healing process, and I desperately want my marriage to be restored. Or actually, I want to start a new marriage with the same man. He is an amazing father and a good man (beside the fact that he’s also a liar and cheater…).
Besides all the emotions and hurt and pain I’m going through, I am just so confused as to how you’d know your husband is really learning to overcome? If we’ve been lied to for so long, and our men become such avid deceivers, how can we ever know if they’ve truly repented? How will we know that they’ve overcome these things (knowing that they may never go away)? I’m so afraid that things will be fixed after a year or so, and then years down the line, when our daughter is old enough to understand, or we have other children together, he will give up and leave us for men.
I’m so afraid. I think that fear is the biggest part of this battle right now. I’m desperately clinging to the Lord, and I’m seeing ways He’s working in me even in this past week. But I’m just so confused. I don’t believe in divorce. But if I stay in this marriage, am I endangering my daughter because her daddy knowingly exposed his wife to HIV, and risked so many other things? How can that be safe for her? I don’t want to stay in a marriage because I’m obligated, even though I know that Biblically, I can be released from this. Right now, I don’t feel that God has given me the “okay” to leave.
Someone please tell me the Lord can and does Restore men like this. There’s got to be a good story here somewhere?
Esther,
I can feel the sadness in your writing, and I am so sad for what you’re going through. This all seems very recent, and you are probably just trying to get some sort of sense of your bearings. Eventually, you will have to begin the process (with your husband, I hope!) of deciding how this should be dealt with now that it’s come to light. It sounds like your husband has been dealing with this for a long time on his own, (regardless of weather or not he’s acted upon any feelings or attractions), but for you, now that you know, it’s impossible not to look back over your life together and wonder about many things. And that’s where you will need to get some support. That is easier said than done, given your husband’s position, and the sensitive nature of your situation… there are ministries that offer experienced. confidential Christan counsel in this area and I hope that you will be able to make contact with someone soon. And I hope that your husband would be willing to get help with you–so that your lives can be lived in the light. There’s nothing more unhealthy and debilitating than keeping and sharing a mutual secret like this.
If you haven’t read anything on this subject, please look up the books by my husband and other authors on the Exodus Books website. That will give you a good place to start, and I beleive the Lord will use that to help give you direction. I would recommend you read Desires in Conflict, When Homosexuality Hits Home and The Gay Gospel, and perhaps look into an upcoming Love Won Out conference that may be coming to your area. You can also check back on this site for upcoming announcements about WifeBoat Groups and Individual Support.
I hope that the ladies here will also offer thier thoughts as well. We all certainly will be praying for you — you are loved! -R
Dear Renee,
I have no doubt that the Lord has used you and is using you as an instrument of blessing to many women like me.
I could not tell you enough what a great blessing it is for me to have found this website at just the right time in my life when a great unexpected pain had come into my life.
A few weeks ago, when I discovered that my husband of 44 years, a retired minister, was watching gay porno, I confronted him and he confessed that he is homosexual although, he claims, not in practice; he said that he has never engaged in a homosexual act. I want to believe him, but I feel I cannot trust him. When we got married and he took me to live in the house that he was already occupying, he had piles of magazines with pictures of muscular men. This kind of put a question mark in my heart, but I let it go at that. He loved to go to the steam baths, and on one occasion, many, many years ago, there was an incident when a man came to our house looking for him. They both went to his office which was upstairs in our home, and when the man left I asked my husband who this man was. He told me that he was trying to blackmail him because supposedly my husband accidentally had brushed him with his body while trying to pass by him. He explained that the man’s claim was completely false, but that he agreed to give him money to avoid a scandal. I decided to believe him but this incident left a mark of doubt in my heart. So now that he tells me that he has never engaged in homosexual acts, I have my doubts.
He has begged for my forgiveness; he claims that he loves me, but this incident has opened a chasm between us. I feel devastated knowing that he never loved me as a woman. For several days I slept on another bed in a different room, but there is so much sadness in the air that I have been trying to go back to our normal way of life. I’ve gone back to sleeping with him, but I feel as lonely as if I was by myself in the desert. He begged me not to tell our adopted children and, of course, I would never do it; I would never cause them such a pain. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I would never talk about this to our pastor because I don’t trust him completely. There is one friend whom I could confide in, but she attends our church and is a SS pupil in my husband class. I would hate for her to lose her confidence in him as a Christian and as a teacher. Although I think I have forgiven him in my heart (I even feel compassion for him), I cannot feel for him what I used to. I am taking it day by day and trying to rely on the Lord. I will welcome any opinion or advice. In the meantime, please keep me in your prayers.
Whew! Read some of the posts here and although I hate hearing about each of the women on here and their struggles, I thank my God for leading me to this site where I can see I am not the only one who deals with the sexual sins of my husband.
5 years ago I was a single mother of three children. I had a son in high school, a son in Jr high school, and a daughter in the 6th grader. I worked full time as a dental assistant. Although I was raised in the church in my younger elementary years I had fallen away from God for a time of about 12 years. ( during my first marriage and conceiving my three children). When my first marriage ended ( my husband left me for another woman) I did things God would not approve of. Probably trying to find ways to bandage my pain. I had many relationships, I partied, and drank amongst other things. In 2002 I was done. I was completely tired of it all. I was most of lonely, not finding anything to fulfill this empty space in me that I tried relentlessly to fill with the world. I found this church and started attending, after all …………..looking back, searching for happiness, I remember the happiest times of my life were when I was going to church at a younger age. So I started going. I became a member of this church, and joined the choir, attending bible studies and learned more and more about Gods unconditional love, something I longed for……………..UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. After a few years I met a man who was gentle, caring, loving, a pure gentleman, God fearing, knowledgeable about scripture, and true. I was purely blessed. we dated for a year and he proposed. I was so thankful that God had finally placed a man in my life who would love me unconditionally, who feared God, He 31 years old. He was a virgin, never had a girlfriend in his life, because he dated Gods way, Pursuing relationships only if that woman looked to be marriage material. Of all the dates he had ever been on, he never pursued anyone of those women any further because he did not consider them marriage material. Wow. To think he considered me marriage material was, well to say the least pretty complimentary. I adored this man, and fell in love with him because of his fervor for the Lord. We abstained from any intimacy through out the year we dated, and on our wedding day we kissed for the very first time. I really didn’t think God could possibly bless me any more than he already had.
Our first year of marriage was the best year of my life. It felt so good to be in love every day of my life. We never argued, we never had a cross word, we dwelt together as one. It was amazing. I had a tubal reversal that year so I could give him children of his own. The procedure seemed to have been a failure as we had not yet conceived, in-spite of our efforts to have children. we continued to try, but gave to the idea that The procedure hadn’t worked, if we were to have any children, It would have to be an act of God. And we believed God would give us a child.
Valentines day 2008 was a day I will never forget. My husband is an architect so we were at a church in the neighborhood and he was walking around the church with the leaders measuring and designing with them a remodel of their entrance and a new steeple. As I sat in the car bored, I picked up his cell phone to check my email online while I waited for him. As the screen pooped up and I started to read, I stopped breathing. I sat their stunned. blood rushing to my head and getting dizzy, my heart started to race as I read message after message in his email from another man, speaking to him sexually, and in a pretty vulgar vocabulary. My husband in return sharing with this man his same vulgar thoughts and desires. When he returned to the car, I quickly acted like I was doing nothing and starred out the window as we drove home.
In that evening that followed, my world crashed and my faith was tested beyond anything I could imagine.I clinged to my God. As hard for me as it was to understand….I tried. Feeling betrayed, I sat with him and we talked for hours on end. Thank God me children were at their fathers house that day.. He cried uncontrollably in anguish out of embarrassment.I promised him I would never leave him. I promised to help him overcome this, and be with him while he sought help. The following week was even harder as I found out about an affair he had 6 months prior, in our home while I was at our church’s women’s retreat. Each day my husband confessed more and more of his addiction.and his sins. In secret, without my husband knowing, I contacted my pastor, the same one that married us, and told him everything. He told me I had every right in Gods eyes to leave my husband, but suggested I be very sure of my choice if that was what i had decided to do. To me…………….that was out of the question. I had reason to believe that everything happens for a reason. and that reason is the death, and resurrection of my Lord Jesus Christ.!!!!! I was not abandoning my husband for some sin he had committed. In Gods eyes a sin is a sin, and I had plenty of my own that I could be judged and abandoned for, how could I leave my husband in his time of repentance.
for the next few years we sought help through a Christian counselor. and even though sometimes if I let it, my pain would resurface, but we carried on. In March 2009 I gave birth to our daughter, and in January 2010 I gave birth to our son. God had blessed us with two children. We had a full house. Three teens and two infants. Whew. we stayed busy. Our marriage survived and the storm had past. Although I will never forget, and will continuously learn from it, we will make it. Everything was starting to feel normal again. Although we struggle with trust issues, and my insecurities, and he with his temptations we prayed daily together to ask God to stand in the gap. To protect our marriage from satans ever so relentless attempts to destroy us.these last two year have been a struggle in other ways, and a blessing at the same time. with the births of our two children……….blessings, and the loss of my husbands employment, our home, and cars……….struggles. We have still survived. My husband was unemployed for two years and just hired recently with a firm close to our home. For those two years we spent everyday together. I worked occasionally as a temp, but for the most part we were inseparable. This a blessing as he was home for the most precious moments of our babies firsts years..Also He was able to get away from the temptations as he no longer was away from me, Alot of his chatting with men happened while he was at work on the internet. This chatting lead to his affair.
I am on here to get encouragement, My husband is now working again fulltime. Which means he is at work, on the computer again 8 hours a day 7 days a week. Things pop up throughout the days and weeks and months that make me question, make me doubt, make me wonder. Like emails I read on his emails. ( he had to surrender his passwords to me as part of his recovery and admission) some times by things I find on his phone, pictures he’s saved, texts he sent. My husband has given in a few times to his temptations, not actually having an affair but surfing the internet for pictures of men. saving photos on his phone of his own parts. and though I don’t have proof, I am suspecting he is chatting on line as well. When asked, his response is the pictures are of himself,intended to be sent to me. ? ( Although I have yet to receive any photos from him) But he is denying everything and of doing anything wrong.
After we have come two years far in our recovery from this storm, he is at it again,( I am suspecting) but he’s denying it this time. I am lost. Is it my imagination………..am I jumping to conclusions??? I have faith in God and that we will survive this, but AGAIN???? Do I have the strength for this all over again??? My prayer is that through this I find peace, I find encouragement. My plan is not to leave my husband, and to struggle through it. But this time I can’t do it without a wifeboat!!!! Thank you for being here for woman like us. and thank you to all you out there struggling through the same thing. I need you!!!
In Christ,
Lisa
Blessings, Val!
God’s peace and comfort be with you.
Sonya – Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Jeanette and Gaby,
I waited so long to respond because sometimes I feel that I post comments too often. I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I think I have the answers, because first of all, I DON’T, and second, sadly, there are no pat, rule of thumb, tried and true answers. Every one of our situations, though similar, are not the same, and should therefore not all be handled the same.
My husband and I haven’t been intimate for 2 and a half years, and to be frank, I MISS SEX. However, when I think of having sex with him, I throw up in my mouth just a little. Then, the resentment starts coming back. HE made the choices that put ME in this position without my knowledge or consent. Why do I have to suffer, too??? It is SO not fair. I want sex. I want intimacy. I need it. But I’m not getting it from him, and am not sure I want it with him. It’s extremely frustrating, to say the least. So, I can relate to what you are feeling in this area. I said “for better or worse,” I did NOT say “for better or for SSA.”
My husband has had so many partners that there is no way to possibly come up with a ball park figure. And he NEVER used protections. My babies could’ve been born with HIV or other sexually transmitted disease. He could’ve infected me with HIV, AIDS, or numerous other std’s. Yuck. WHO IS THIS MAN I MARRIED???? What happened to the loving, sharing, Christian guy I thought I said “I Do” to?? I would’ve told THIS guy to take a flying leap off a really tall bridge!! In the wintertime….NAKED!!!!!
WE should NOT beat ourselves up about how we feel. We cannot control our feelings. Only our actions. Our feelings are normal and healthy. I’m no therapist, but since almost everyone who has posted has said many of the same things, I have to believe we are having “normal” feelings and reactions about seriously abnormal relationships.
Girls, you are not at fault with this. Do not make yourself feel bad or stupid. It is NOT your doing. Pray for God’s direction in your life, prayer for guidance, wisdom, and for your spouse to find healing. Whether you stay married or not is strictly your decision. No one can make that choice for you. However, if your husbands have been unfaithful to you, deceived you, etc., you have every authority from God to get out of the relationship, if you so choose.
Best wishes, many blessings, and giant hugs to each of you!!
Sleep well with clear, gentle dreams.
Sonya
Divorce is not off the table at my house. In fact, over Christmas, I was bound and determined to file for divorce at the beginning of January. I did not share this information with my husband, but suddenly, he started making grand gestures around the house. Calling me to see if I needed something from the store, folding laundry, vacuuming and mopping the floor, helping with the kids, keeping his temper in check, touching me once in a while in a flirtatious manner, supporting me in other ways for purposes of my work. It’s been odd. Nice, but odd. It has also given me pause…I have decided to wait a little longer and see if this is a fluke deal, or the real deal. If he continues to behave in this manner, I cannot kick him out. His boys love him so.
I’m still not sure what I’m going to do, but I don’t have to be right now. God seems to get me through each and every stage of this, and I am definitely counting on Him to continue doing so!!
Good night, ladies. You are having normal, sane reactions to your situations. DO NOT START SECOND GUESSING YOURSELVES!! YOU did NOT bring this into the marriage. My dears, this is on HIM. He did this not only to himself, but to YOU and any children you may have.
He may never understand the pain he has caused. It also may be that his mind cannot accept the pain he has caused you and his family. It’s easier not to discuss or deal with it, than it is to address that pain in any manner. There is guilt, shame, anger, and resentment on their parts. That’s THEIR stuff. NOT yours!!!