The Faces Behind the Issues
Here in California, we’re in the middle of a huge and heartbreaking controversy over Proposition 8, the marriage amendment that essentially banned same-sex marriage in this state. Amidst all the political upheaval, people often forget the faces behind the issues: many of those faces belong to women who are trying to cope with the revelation that their husband is homosexual. And though the Christian worldview on homosexuality differs from that of our culture, it does not necessarily grant immunity from the issue hitting Christian marriages.
Because of my own husband’s work over the years, I’ve known so many women in this position. I’ve wept and prayed and walked alongside them. And I’ve learned a few things in the process. So I’d like to offer some thoughts.
What do you do if your husband says “I’m gay”?
1. Much will depend on how your husband feels about homosexuality, and about your marriage. Does he view homosexuality as legitimate, or as a tendency to be resisted? Is he considering leaving your marriage, or is he committed to staying with you and learning to deal with his feelings for other men? Is he at the very least willing to stay faithful to you despite his homosexuality, or is he considering “coming out” and declaring himself gay? These are questions you need to ask; the sooner the better.
2. Remember the difference between a homosexual orientation (inner attractions to men) versus homosexual behavior (sexual contact with men or viewing of homosexual pornography) If his orientation is homosexual, that’s a completely involuntary condition which he didn’t choose, nor can he choose to simply “change” it. In short, it’s not his fault. If, on the other hand, he’s engaged in homosexual behavior, that is indeed a choice, one that he’s morally responsible for. Either way, neither his orientation nor his behavior are a reflection on you, and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent or cause either of them.
3. Immediately set an appointment with your pastor, or a Christian counselor, or a trusted mentor. As a couple, sit down with this third party and clarify what steps need to be taken at this point. These steps should include:
(a) Ongoing couple’s counseling to address your options as a couple, depending on what your husband chooses to do about his sexuality.
(b) A safe place – woman’s support group, for example, or your own counselor – for you to work out your own feelings, fears and needs while you’re dealing with this.
4. If your husband has been sexually active consult with your doctor and discuss the various tests you should have for sexually transmitted diseases or HIV. While there’s no reason to panic or jump to conclusions, it would be foolish not to insure your own health and deal with whatever medical problems may arise from your situation.
5. Avoid immediate, knee jerk reactions (jumping into divorce court; demanding he leave the home; etc.) Work with a counselor or pastor to determine the best courses of action, and don’t let yourself make a quick, poorly thought through decision.
Key Verse
“For I know the thoughts that I have towards you, says the Lord.
Thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
-Jeremiah 29:11
Resources
Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas
When Homosexuality Hit’s Home by Joe Dallas
The Truth Comes Out by Nancy Heche
Genesis Counseling 2-Day Intensives – Men and Couples
Anne,
My husband is one of the song leaders at our church. It almost makes me physically sick when he is in the pulpit, leading our congregation in hymns to our Father. However, I cannot be the one to rat him out to our elders. If he truly has a hope of recovery, he can’t leave the fellowship of believers….he needs them, and his relationship with God, to overcome. However, he is blatantly refusing to follow God and because of his lifestyle, should be disfellowshipped, according to the Word. Those are extremely harsh words, but God doesn’t pull any punches in living a double life. There is a difference between being a sinner daily, and actively seeking a sinful lifestyle… much less living that life while taking such an active leadership role in the church.
It just boils down to appearances, doesn’t it? …Anything they can do to cover up their secrets and lies. How devastatingly sad. My husband says he doesn’t even know if he believes in God or not. I think that is a cop out. I think he does believe, but doesn’t want to, because that will make him accountable….it will give reality to the fact that his actions are not of God, and totally unacceptable to Him.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband. It is his sin, and lack of zealous commitment to the Lord and his family that fill me with rage. However, like you, I feel incredibly cheated, betrayed, deceived, and sometimes have trouble even looking at him.
In church this morning I cried. The minister encouraged those who were experiencing great grief, trauma, or any kind of loss in their lives, to come forward and the church pray over them. I can’t go forward. No one knows our issues. I can’t let my children find out…they are so young. I cannot announce infidelity, let alone SSA, in front of my whole congregation. Asking for prayers from my church family will scare my children. It will also make people ask questions of which I am no where near ready to answer.
When I got married, all I wanted was to be a godly wife to a godly man who loved me deeply. I got neither.
Anne, thank you for your post. I will pray for us all. What a loss. What brokeness. What a travesty. What a shame.
I have a plan of action in place. It is becoming more clear every day, that I will soon be a divorced woman. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that would ever happen…not to mention that my husband would be a gay sex addict.
May God, our Father, give us the strength of heart and peace of mind to keep praying for our spouses, each other, and to take care of ourselves and our children.
Big hugs to you all. Sleep well.
Oh, Sonya…I understand your pain, I have been there, and I am still working out of there. You need to care for yourself and heal from your surgery. I will pray for you.
Renee…to answer your question concerning where my husband is at…I believe he told me that he was gay in response to my working on him to go for marriage counseling, go to a marriage encounter weekend, etc.,..I am a “fixer”…one of those people who has to fix everything around them. My husband is fine with how our life is. He has no desire to seek counseling. His expectation is that I will live with him and keep his secret from the Church, family, etc. I am not sure what he thinks I am getting in return to compensate me.
I so appreciate #6 on your 10 steps to help when you are in difficult times. I thought about it as I sat through an hour meeting after Church today where the other associate pastors praised my husband for his grasp of theology. One of them went on at length about how my husband is such an inspiration to him and how our family is such a model of what a good Christian family should be.
Sometimes I feel so sorry for myself and I feel so cheated that my husband is such a fruad. I just cry out to our Lord, ask for strength and go on. I do not know what else one can do.
This has been an extremely difficult week for me…probably the most difficult one since I first learned of my husband’s double-life. I had gall bladder surgery last Friday, and he only bothered to come to the hospital for about 20 minutes. Thank the Lord for my mother, who drove almost 6 hours to come and be with me at the hospital, as well as help take care of my kids.
In addition, my 12 year wedding anniversary was Sunday, and he gave me the most insulting, hurtful card…I know it was meant to be humorous, but I laid on my bed and cried in the dark after reading it. When he realized I was in the bedroom crying, he wanted to know what was wrong! That just made it worse.
I think the most devastating part of the weekend was the realization that he just doesn’t want to change….that I will probably be divorced in a matter of a few months…and that he doesn’t seem to be the least bit phased by that possibility. I do think he is afraid he will not see, nor have any access to, his children once we are divorced. That does effect him, but not enough to shake him into making a commitment to God, himself, and his family. My feeling is that if he doesn’t “bottom out” fairly soon, there will be no motivation or incentive for recovery and salvation that pulls at him more strongly than his sickness/addiction. I have not given up hope, but I believe the Lord is preparing me for the inevitable.
I seem to physically hurt…body and soul…for this loss and betrayal in my relationship, as well as for the suffering of you lovely, treasured, sisters in Christ. I do know that “This, too, shall pass.”
The joy of the Lord will be our strength, and we will weather this treacherous storm. The Lord is our refuge, and He hears our cries and feels our pain. We are not alone.
Blessings on you all, and thank you for your continued contributions to this blog.
Anne,
My heart is broken for you and for what you’re going through. And yet, I am filled with admiration – you express an undying faith in our God, and endurance in spite of the pain. You are not a castaway to Him, Anne, nor are you a castaway to us!
You haven’t mentioned if your husband is open to getting counseling and help for himself. Is he hoping to understand and manage these desires honestly before God and you? Or is he continuing to keep busy in his work as a way of avoiding his issues? In ministry, this is an especially dangerous thing to do–unadressed issues have a way of surfacing and hurting not only the person who has them, but also his family and the all of the people involved in his ministry. If he loves them, and his family, he needs to get help for himself.
Psalm 51:6 says “Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part you will make me to know wisdom”. This whole Psalm is about repentance, but this verse in particular tells us what God expects especially of leaders. We need to be real (not perfect) with God and ourselves, and I hope and pray your husband will be able to do that.
In the meantime, I’m glad you’re getting support from a good group of people. I’ll be praying for you and your family and that God will give you wisdom and insight above and beyond what you need. May El Shaddai keep you. And please let us know how you’re doing. Blessings to you, -R
Almost three years ago after 28 years of marriage, (and 3 children), my husband told me that he had deceived me into marrying him because he needed a wife and children so he would be a more successful pastor. He told me that he was gay and that he had always been gay. He wants me to stay with him so that he can maintain his pastoral credentials with the Church. He told me that he had never had a sexual encounter with a man…but I have trouble believing him because he has little credability with me after that revelation.
I had known for ten years that something was very wrong. I could not find out what was wrong. My husband threw all of his energy into his pastoral duties and had nothing left for us. His main focus was that we looked like the perfect family to the Church.
I have empathy for the shock, pain and hurt you ladies express.
I have been in private counseling and am attending a wonderful support group hosted by another church in the same town as where I live.
I am seeking where to go and what to do. I feel like a castaway in many ways.
Long-term, I believe that God is in charge, that he will bless me, and that he is sufficient for all my needs. It just seems that getting through day or making it to the end of the week or the end of the month is hard.
James 1:2-6,12 “Consider it pure joy, my (sisters), whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, (she) should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to (her). But when (she) asks, (she) must believe and NOT doubt, because (she) who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. … Blessed is the (woman) who perseveres under trial, because when (she) has stood the test, (she) will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.”
Ladies, my prayer for all of us this week is wisdom.
Maureen – I pray that you find wisdom in dealing with your health and that you will know the best way to proceed with keeping your health. I also pray that you will see God’s idea of a fairy tale ending and rest in the fact that He is always holding you and will never let go. He wants pure intimacy with you.
Rene – I pray that you will find wisdom in how to approach your husband and how to do it in love. God took over when I finally let Him and that is how the truth came out about my husband. I also pray for discernment and a sensetivity to the Holy Spirit. God will help you know if the truth has fully be revealed. Ask Him to help you see that and then rest in that peace, without listening to what the world has to say.
Paula – I pray that you will find true counsel and the wisdom to know whether or not who you are currently seeing is the best place for you. Sometimes, I know for me, I don’t even know what I want when I go to talk to someone, because I don’t even know what I’m feeling at the time. I pray that you will be able to take advantage of when your husband is gone. I know that may sound silly, but my husband is also gone quite a bit traveling for his job. This has become a great chance to spend my nights and moments instead of talking with my husband but talking with the only one who is ALWAYS faithful, my Lord.
Thank you guys for continuing to right and pray that I continue to find my identity in the Lord, because I can no longer use my husband as the gauge to how beautiful, loved, or sexy I am.
Rene, Marla, Paula, Thanks for the posts, i am always lifted up by my sisiters in Christ. I am praying for each of you tonight and for the other strong women who have posted here. I have been praying lately for the Lord to reveal bitterness and unforgiveness in me. How much we need to be right with Jesus. When we get married at least I was, am, this way, I was all for togetherness and the ache runs deep when you discover you are the only one participating. God does heal wounds, and He does hold us when we are hurting. Sometimes my kids get hurt, and they continue to cry even AFTER I have been holding them for a few minutes, at first my comfort doesn’t seem to have an effect. I think we are that way with the Lord, He holds us, and we cry, then the crying subsides and we allow his comfort to be effective. How do we love a man? Oh Adam and Eve really messed it all up huh? Fight despair Marla, you are beautiful. I am lifting you up to the Lord tonight.
Becky
Paula: (re: comment on 2-28-09)
In counseling you should try to clarify before each session what you need. Try asking yourself this: “Do I need direction, or encouragement, or a kick in the rear?” Then at the beginning of the session tell your counselor that’s what you’re looking for today. I think you’ll find that makes your sessions more effective.
By the way, your statement that it’s lonlier when your husband’s home really caught my attention. Why is that? Are the two of you communicating? I hope you’re bringing that up in counseling too. Also, I want to encourage you to connect with friends who support you because it sounds like you need it. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going. God Bless. -R
Marla: (Re: Comments on 2-27)
There’s a difference between staying together to work on a marriage, versus staying together to maintain the status quo. Your husband seems to want to stay together without working on some very serious problems the two of you have, which is a way of simply maintaining the status quo. You have to decide if God’s calling you to stay with him under these circumstances, and of course, you’re the only one who can really answer that.
Regarding his comments, I believe him when he says he loves you, but as you know, you can love someone in a childish, “me-centered” way which is anything but agape love. And while a wife in your postion has to forgive, she’s not required to continue in a marriage that’s been so disrupted by infidelity and deceit. I guess I’m saying that you have a few options to consider, realistically and prayerfully. You’ve invested hugely in this marriage to a degree that he doesn’t seem to have done in return. Now you have to decide what to do with that sad fact.
Our prayers will be with you – and I know God will strengthen you and give you insight and wisdom as you seek Him. Please stay in touch with us and let us know how you’re doing. Take care of yourself. -R
Dear Rene, (re: 2-25 comment)
The only one who knows whether your husband is attracted to men is your husband himself. Neither his ex-wife, nor others, nor even you can really say, so to find out, you need to go to the source. There is nothing unsupportive or unfair in simply asking him whether or not he has these feelings for men, and you can explain that in light of what you found out about his college experience it left you a little shaken. So this is a reasonable thing to ask him.
But if there’s no other reason to disbelieve him, then it’s important to take him at his word. After all, being handsome and well groomed certainly isn’t evidence of homosexuality, especially for a man in the public eye. Nor does one homosexual college experience prove that a man himself is homosexual. And the kind of gossip you described is hardly a reliable source.
If you’re physical life isn’t where you’d like it to be, talk openly about it, and see a counselor together if need be. It sounds to me like something isn’t “clicking” in your own mind regarding your sexual relationship, and I think it will help to talk that through with a thrid party.
Please stay in touch and let us know how things are going. We’re all thinking of you. -R
Hello Ladies- I’ve recently found all of you. Someone wrote they wished we could all be in the same room together. I agree so much. I feel hopeless tonight. But actually, less hopeless after I’ve read your posts. God is our King of Glory. My song that I sing is It is Well With my Soul. The history of the song is that the author was grieving after losing his 4 daughters in a shipwreck in 1873. He went to the place where they drowned and while staring at the waves wrote this hymn. “Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.” I try not to write my fairytale endings, but the thought of the nightmare ending is too much to think about sometimes. I’m new to counseling and wonder if I’m not seeing the right person. It seems as though I feel more depressed after I leave. Almost everytime I see her she reminds me of “how hard your situation is.” NO KIDDING!!! Not that she can tell me all is well, but for the most part, I don’t know what to think. I see her again on Monday. Do any of you have suggestions about how to make my counseling help me more? My husband has just returned from a business trip and it’s almost lonelier when he comes home than when he’s gone. I’m so thankful to have found you all. Thank you and blessings to all of you.
This summer I will have been married 30 years. I have one child and one grandchild. My tale is not all that different from the others here though, as I said before, it is most like Sonya’s. I met my husband in high school. He was sweet and loving and I was crazy about him. The fact that he was never physical with me was something I took as a mark of a polite, Christian guy. Our faith immediately connected us, as well as our love of drama, art, etc. My family adopted him, so to speak, as he came from a broken home, and after three years of dating, we married. He tells me now that he told me before we married about his orientation. If he did, it was in such couched terms that I had no clue. We were married for ten years before the real trouble came. A man in our town ‘courted’ him and got him involved in a physical relationship. That was the first time. My husband was about 28. From there he spiraled off into a full-blown affair with a man in another town. When I found out about it, I threw him out and fell apart. I wanted nothing more to do with him. I intended to divorce him – until God changed my mind. I was literally lifted up and given that ‘peace that passes understanding’ so that I could tell him I wanted him back and wanted to make it work.
This started a wonderful if difficult period where he and I became involved in Exodus International, even becoming junior counselors for a time. I have met Joe Dallas and Alan Medinger, etc. and prayed with many of them and their wives. Then, when it came time for my husband to become visible in ministry, he panicked. He went to a meeting where there were protestors and came home saying ‘I don’t want people to hate me’. From there he slowly began a descent into darkness again.
I have been through three or four crises with him. Each time he would act out, repent and try again. I don’t think he ever did anything to hurt me on purpose, but hurt me he has, over and over again. Each time I would forgive as Christ compels us and we would move on. Then, three years ago, what he called ‘a stupid mistake’ led to him being HIV positive. At the same time, this man whom I had clung to through it all because of my AND his faith in Christ, told me Christianity was no longer ‘working’ for him and he had no faith. At the same time, any physical contact – not only sexual, but sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, etc. – pretty much ceased. He erected a wall that I cannot pass. I am neglected and, I feel, at times deliberately left out and behind. The reason, I believe, is that I reflect Christ and right now my husband doesn’t want to see, or be confronted by the Savior he has wronged. I have struggled mightily these last few years to decide just how many times forgiving ‘seventy times seven’ is. I have wrestled with my wedding vows, which, though they seem to mean little to him, are sacred to me. I have wanted so much to walk away and yet, as so many others here, I love my husband and I want him to know the Lord and to be free in that love. And I want my friend back.
In answer to some of the questions asked – I have given my husband the choice to walk away. He says he wants to be here with me, that there is no one like me, and that he loves me. He believes what he says, though to me, what I get from him is not love. I am the foundation he needs to keep going, but like a foundation, I am easily forgotten and often walked upon. He does believe homosexuality is wrong, though there are many he knows who are telling him otherwise. And, as I said above, unfortunately for now, he is struggling with his faith and would not say he ‘believes’.
I do not need to tell any of you how many nights I have cried myself to sleep, or how lonely I am in this relationship. I know you all know. I pray for my marriage to be restored, but I am working to pray just as hard that I allow Jesus to be all I need. I have tried keeping tabs, I have tried prying and almost nagging, pleading and crying; none of it works. Nothing will change my husband but his turning around when God taps on his shoulder and saying, “What is it you want, Lord?” Until then, I keep praying for that day.
Thanks for being there.
Marla
Ladies,
I stumbled on this site tonight through a link from He Intends Victory. I have read your stories and they are my own. I need to take a little time to collect my thoughts and figure out how to communicate almost 30 years of struggle (my husband’s with first a homosexual orientation and then decades of on and off acting out, and my own with him). My story is most like Sonya’s, though I see myself reflected in all of you. Bless you for your openness and for being here, and praise God in Christ that we have His love and approval and comfort in order to bear this hurt and to make something positive out of it. Marla in Ohio
Hello…I (41 years old) have been married to a man (45 years old) who is incredibly sweet and active in church. I found out a month after being married (5 months ago) that he had a sexual experience with another man while in college. He claimed it was because he (at that time) had unresolved issues with his dad and believes he was using his friendship as a way to fill that. My husband has been on television (meteorologist) for 18 years and is always dressed in very nice suits, has perfect hair, white teeth, etc. He is very handsome and he has a large fan base (mostly older women and gay men). How can I say this correctly? He can act like a “pretty boy” but is also very manly. He just has that “flair”. He had always acted very attracted to my body but there was always a part of me that feels like he is almost “faking it”. It just doesn’t feel totally genuine. Well, a month after we were married (and having sex just about every day), someone told my husband that a lady who is friends with his ex-wife told a couple people that my husband has issues with being homosexual. My husband was crying when he told me because he never wanted me to find out about the experience he had in college and his ex-wife has held that against him during his whole marriage to her (they were married for 15 years). To be honest with you, i was not surprised by what he told me because it kind of explained his mannerisms (or am i imagining it?). But now that it has been several months later, i can’t help but think about it. My husband is active in church and I know does not participate in any immoral behavior. But i’m afraid that he still has those same-sex attractions. I am so confused on how to deal with this. I wish it wasn’t true but then i’m afraid i’m sticking my head in the sand. We still have a good sex life but after reading all these blogs, i don’t want to find out years later that he has been a homosexual. My church’s stance is that there is a difference between having the feelings and acting on them. Sometimes the feelings cannot be controlled but acting on them is a choice. I am scared to bring this up to him because i promised him that i supported him and believed that he is heterosexual (back when he told me this). But how can i be married without being able to talk to him about it? I guess I’m sorting through my feelings as I’m typing this out so please bare with me. The biggest thing i’m afraid of, is we are not going to have a truly satisfying marriage (sexually) because maybe he is attracted to men. But irregardless, i know that he will do whatever it takes to stay married (he will never tell his family or friends even if he was gay). I just want us to be true to each other. Does it sound like he is gay and is just trying to hide it (from himself)?
Thanks so much Sonya and Cynthia, what a relief to have someone to talk to. A song plays in my head all the time too Cynthia. “Hold me Jesus cause I’m shaking like a leaf, you have been King of my glory, won’t you be my Prince of peace. My psychiatrist cancelled on me today and rescheduled for tomorrow, so more reliving the anxiety, by spelling out the pain tomorrow. Hopefully Jesus will hold me. On my way home from work today I thanked God for all the blessing in my life and I have been truly blesssed. I asked that for tonight I would be the wife that HE would have me be, no matter how much I want to rant and rave, no matter that I will sleep alone. It’s 7:45 here on the east coast and I’m doing ok so far with God’s grace. Sometimes life takes constant prayer. Thanks for being there and the support.
Maureen, is he kidding? his sense of reality is, really, only his own.He is living in an alternate universe. He thinks it’s OK to not be at your side at night? No wonder you are not feeling well. I have also experienced tummy and sleep issues. I finally went to the doctor yesterday and am receiving some help for anxiety. I started the ball rolling for more counselling because I know it is a good thing to care for myself emotionally. That is my job. It would be nice to have my husband to wrap his arms around me warmly and say he’s there for me, but that is not my option. It’s too bad for him, too, because he is also missing out on the benefits of a real marriage. We are each so alone! Sonia, I have felt so guilty for losing my love for him, because, as you said, too much trust has been broken. But still, If he really wanted to try over the long haul, I would be willing to try. I just asked for honesty, that’s all. I guess the pain of honesty trumped the pain of his wounded spouse and the silence and denial won out. Nevertheless, it is a relief to know a loving Father cares for us in our situations. The song keeps coming to mind, ” God will make a way when there is no other way…He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, travel closely by my side. He gives me strength for each new day, he will make a way. God will make a way.”
Maureen, is he kidding? his sense of reality is, really, only his own.He is living in an alternate universe. He thinks it’s OK to not be at your side at night? No wonder you are not feeling well. I have also experienced tummy and sleep issues. I finally went to the doctor yesterday and am receiving some help for anxiety. I started the ball rolling for more counselling because I know it is a good thing to care for myself emotionally. That is my job. It would be nice to have my husband to wrap his arms around me warmly and say he’s there for me, but that is not my option. It’s too bad for him, too, because he is also missing out on the benefits of a real marriage. We are each so alone! Sonia, I have felt so guilty for losing my love for him, because, as you said, too much trust has been broken. But still, If he really wanted to try over the long haul, I would be willing to try. I just asked for honesty, that’s all. I guess the pain of honesty trumped the pain of his wounded spouse and the silence and denial won out. Nevertheless, it is a relief to know a loving Father cares for us in our situations. The song keeps coming to mind, ” God will make a way when there is no other way…He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, travel closely by my side. He gives me strength for each new day, he will make a way. God will make a way.”
Maureen, do not apologize for your ranting…All of us need each other to vent, rant, seek advice, encourage, and for a host of other reasons. This blog is a safety net for us. We need a place to fall…to cry out…to share pain, to offer each other hope, and to remind us Whose we truly are.
I, too, have experienced a variety of health related issues since discovering my husband’s double life. I am so glad you have sought counsel. It has helped me tremendously, and I only started a few weeks ago. Your fairy tale ending is lovely, but if you set yourself up to expect that, it will just be more difficult when it doesn’t happen. Believe me, I have been there. Although my husband and I still share a bed, we seldom share anything else. And like you, I have only lusted after my own husband during the course of our entire marriage. Now, I am so disgusted by his past behaviors and secrets, as well as the possible physical damage he could have created for me and my kids, that even if he wanted me passionately, I don’t think I could be physically intimate with him. Too much trust has been broken. Too much pain has impaled my soul. Too many secrets have been buried for too long.
God is my refuge and strength. He will supply all I need…not necessarily all I WANT… but definately all I need. He can do more for us than we can ask or imagine. Tonight, I will ask Him to wrap His mighty, loving arms around us. We are his precious daughters, and he is touched and deeply grieved by our circumstances.
Reading all the posts have been a real blessing for me tonight. I am in counseling now, I’ve actually found a counselor who as trained with your husband, Renee. I have good days, but many more bad days. All the anguish surrounding my husbands same sex attraction has turned my body against me. I see a psychiatrist tomorrow, my counselor thinks I need something for depression and anxiety, and a GI doc on Wednesday because of sever abdominal pain. But I know my physical pain, and my lack of sleep are just me reliving over and over the images on the computer after doing a history search. I try to pray, but then my thoughts wander. Like may of you, my husband had never been really interested in sex with me, he even moved into another bed room for a variety of lame reasons. I had accepted this and loved him. Now that I know that he was spending his time on homosexual porn sites, I feel less inclined to accept this lack of intimacy. I have even started making a big deal out of him not sleeping with me. He thinks I’ve lost my mind and doesn’t understand why it was ok before, but now it’s a problem for me. I’m not sure either, I just know it is. I told him tonight that if intimacy and a sexual relationship where not part of our marriage I didn’t know if I would stay. I bombard him with questions about his homosexual attractions. “how often, when, why”. I don’t understand, I’m a healthy heterosexual, but I don’t lust after anyone but my husband. Sorry for the rant, but other than my counselor I haven’t confided in anyone and I so need a friend to talk to. My husband has started to read Desires in Conflict, but he’s not really much of a reader. He has also gone to the same counselor, but has recently cancelled his appointments. The good thing is that the kids are grown and on their own, but they know that something is wrong and that I’m hurting. I’m working on trusting the Lord, hoping to come to understand and empathize with my husbands struggle, but I really do wish he would just take me in his arms, tell me he loves me and lay down next to me. How’s that for a fairy tale ending
Cate, when I read you comments, I felt that you were describing my husband! I ache for you. Sometimes I take it moment by moment. Encouragement is there if you watch and listen for it. Why, just today, I was taking my husband to the airport and he was recounting the story of a co-worker who fell off his roof and is now parylized from the neck down. He said that he thought HE had difficulties. I thought, OK, LORD, so this is my word from You today. It certainly helped to spark a thankful spirit when being thankful was the last thing I wanted.
Becky, those feelings of inadequacy die hard! I’m learning to deprogram myself from all those years of “training” with my husband. It just becomes a way of thinking that is so damaging: if I do just one more thing right, or if I could just BE the person he wants me to be, then I will earn his love. I certainly don’t want to pass that on to my kids! So I keep up the work.
Cate, I hurt for you and with you. Have you checked into counseling? Your first priority should be the welfare of you and your children. Take care of yourself and your family. Your husband is a grown man. You cannot recover for him, or change him. Only God can change him. He has to want to recover and be healthy and whole.
I will pray for you. Remember that your God will meet ALL your needs, according to his plan for you. That’s hard to grasp in the middle of this mire, but it is truth.
Blessings on you.
Hello my ladies. This has been a tough week for me. I’ve been dealing with STD testing and budgeting issues all created by this sin. How do you handle feeling ambivalent one minute and then numb? When I feel numb (which is most of the time) I wonder how am I going to be able to move on when I can’t seem to feel anything. Then it hits me how do I move on? Here I am living with someone I don’t know. His life has been a complete lie since we started dating. He doesn’t even know who I am, because to let me in that much would be to have put his secret life in jeopardy of being found out. How do I begin again?
I keep asking the Lord to fill me with His love so that I will have something to give my husband, but it’s still hard. I praise God for His strength that gets me through the day. But I’m still struggling. I look forward to reading everyone’s words and thank you for continuing to write. May God’s peace and glory reign above all things in our lives this week.
Cynthia, there is much out there that is helpful for women whose husbands struggle with this. And while it may seem insurmountable, it isn’t. Remember we all have sins that seperate us from our loving father, and Jesus came to meet each of us ourselves included right where we are. I am finding that during this time of my husband’s SSA, (he isn’t facing it either, it seems to me anyway) I can focus on my relationship with God. You can go to http://www.lovewonout.com from focus on the family and they have other websites that can help you. I found it very helpful.
Hang in there. read luke 22:31-32 and psalm 63
Becky
Cynthia,
In the end, I guess you have to pursue integrity for yourself, as you cannot force anyone else to do it. It’s very sad to hear your husband isn’t open to getting help, and perhaps the reason he’s avoiding intimacy with you is that it will bring to the forefront the issues he doesn’t want to deal with. If he doesn’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist, and if he gets close to you, he may be confronted, directly or indirectly, with something he can’t deal with. And maybe, realizing all this has caused you pain would be too much for him. People go into denial to keep from feeling pain.
Aside from all this “armchair psychology” on my part, you can’t take responsiblity for his stuff, he has to own it himself. I’m glad to hear you have friends and have received counseling for yourself. Having a “life” is one of the best things a woman can do – exploring your own areas of gifting, and pursing them gives you not only an outlet, but a sense of control and freedom. That’s so important no matter what’s going in a woman’s life!
Cynthia, good to hear back from you–talk with you soon. -Renee
Thanks, Renee, for your comments. Of course you’re right about the intimacy issues. I’ve only been able to get so close to him, and I really don’t know who he is! I never did. It is amazing that I could have been duped for so long. And the interesting thing to me is that he has no idea that this is not a normal marriage, his views are so skewed. He thinks that if we never talk about the real issue everything is fine. He says that we have talked about it and doesn’t understand why I am unable to move on. The problem is that the intimacy issue is so deep that it calls for professional help in order to deal with it honestly, and that is what he absolutely will not do. I wish he could see how it spills over and has now flooded all areas of our lives.
I do have good friends and pastors who are supportive and I received counselling for over 6 months.
Again, I am thankful for this blog and receive encouragement by reading and re-reading it regularly. It is the first thing I’ve found to help in this area. This can be, well, the song says it best: “One is the lonliest number…”
Cynthia,
I am very moved at how caring you are towards your husband, and I appreciate your prayer that God will love him through you even though you are hurting. I think this is, in fact, honoring to Christ and His example to us.
But reading this post and your first one (Jan 30th) concerns me. After all the self-searching you did during the years of your marriage thinking the issue was your lack of attractiveness, you find out he’s had same sex attractions. He tells you (angrily) that it’s in the past and it hasn’t affected your marriage? Is he kidding? You wanted to have a satisfying sex life and that’s normal. It wasn’t happening and when you tried to communicate with him concerning this he gave you a rather thin excuse about his needs—he didn’t need much sex and he prioritized his work over you. Is this marriage all about him?
Your attractiveness wasn’t the problem—it was his lack of honesty with you. If he would have talked to you about his feelings, you and he could have worked this out together. That’s what a marriage is all about – together. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t think this system in a relationship is acceptable. I would like to see you tell him that homosexuality is not what you really want to talk about, if he doesn’t want to talk about it. But you do want to talk about intimacy. He’s in his own world downstairs and you’re in yours upstairs and that’s not okay. Secondly, I’d like to see you remind him that marriage is a sexual covenant, which we enter into with the understanding that we will meet our partner’s needs, regardless of our own. It’s not acceptable for one partner to say “We won’t have sex because I don’t need it”. And if intimacy isn’t happening, and there are other reasons for it not happening, then they need to be brought to light and dealt with.
Cynthia, I hope you will seek out a safe place to talk–a trusted friend, a pastor or counselor. You can’t bear this burden alone, nor should you be expected to. If your husband doesn’t want help, it should not keep you from getting some. Please look into this if you haven’t already. If you don’t have a resource in your area, you can check the link to Genesis Counseling on this site for information on confidential phone counseling.
Please take care of yourself, and keep in touch with us here. We’ll be keeping you in our prayers. God Bless. -R
Your words are so encouraging! I am holding on. I am praying that somehow God will love my husband through my own crippled self, for you see, I have nothing left to give this man. I need him but my love for him is so far away. I try to reach for it but it seems almost as if my arm is broken and won’t respond to what my mind tells it to do. I have learned that I am not allowed to talk about IT, that it is in the past and it certainly has not affected our marriage. My husband, too, has done all the right things in getting an education, getting married, having a good job, family and home. But there are all these secrets that we are not allowed to discuss. My husband seems to do quite well on the surface, and his reqirement for me is quite simple: just keep pretending. Don’t rock this carefully crafted boat of mine or I get angry. So I have learned to live a separate life from him while living alongside him, usually amicable, but with the tension always just under the surface. I am praying that God will take my thoughts captive and give me some relief.Sometimes it feels like such a burden to bear, like I can’t get away from it ( and actually, for now, I can’t)
Cynthia, I would tonight encourage you to pray that God would help you to take every thought captive. I know what I am saying, because I am speaking to myself as well. I literally have moments when I am strong as can be, accomplishing my daily tasks, living then all of a sudden i am buried under bewilderment, and a heavy sense of what’s wrong with me??? That isn’t the Lord. When you have overwhelming sense of grief acknowledge it, but then turn to Christ. Today at work I had to go into the bathroom and say out loud ” Jesus I give you my husband, I give you my fear, I give you my hurt. I take every thought that isn’t from you and I push it away.” Remember that God gives us peace, even in deepest of pain, we can know that He holds us. He molds us if we let Him. I often ask myself God just what are you trying to do to me?Some women will choose to stay beside their husbands, some cannot. I often have a hard time wondering if my husband desires someone else. And I often fight the idea that I have to do or be better. Fight the weight of this. Don’t let it swallow you. My husband did everything that was expected of him. He got married, had a family, got a good job, bought a house. But something still wasn’t right. I have struggles too, and I too am a work on the potters wheel, as is every person struggling to work out their salvation. remember that Peter denied Jesus three times, it might as well have been 300. That denial cut Peter deeply, but it also made him who later was, and we have to believe that God can do that for our husbands. We can pray against the enemy, love with abandon, cling to Christ, and hope against all darkness for our husbands. This takes courage, I am not saying we live in denial of anything. But we believe the TRUTH of God’s word, not what we see or what the lies in our mind tells us. Hold on, believe in miracles, cry when you need to, but stop when it’s too much. Love you.
Becky
Cynthia, you are not losing it! Your husband is lost. Not you. There doesn’t seem to be a word fitting enough to fully describe and illustrate the depth of our devastation in learning these secrets about our spouses. My heart goes out to you…as well as all the other ladies reeling from this shock.
I will pray for you, and for us all. God hears our pleas for strength and courage. He will give us what we need to walk down this rocky, uncertain path, wherever it may lead. He has already begun blessing us by sending encouragement through this blog. May He continue to shower each of you with many more.
My husband participated in homosexual activity before we met and married also. I had no idea. This knowledge still haunts me, sickens me, and bewilders me. He KNEW he had these attractions, but asked me to marry him anyway. That is a betrayal of MONUMENTAL size. No, you do not have to…nor should you…pretend that “all is well” and it’s “business as usual.” Everything is different now. EVERYTHING. You need to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Do not allow his behavior to keep you for caring for yourself. This is HIS sin. It is NOT your fault! You were completely deceived. He has admitted the previous behavior…you do not need any further proof of anything. He entered the marriage under false pretenses. Why on Earth should you be expected to find that acceptable???
Sorry, I’m getting a little too wound up!
It is so encouraging to read the words of those who are walking down the same road that I am. I’ve searched for a long time for some encouragement in this. It is nice to know that I am not losing it and there are others like me. To read your testimonies is a real lift!
I wish I could see you all also and cry and give everyone a huge hug. We are all still breathing and can only thank God for that. I ache knowing that you all are dealing with such betrayal and heartbreak too. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But God is good and we will get through this. I just didn’t realize what a toll this would take on every single aspect of my life. From health, to parenting, to walking down the street and seeing a half clothed man on an advertisement. I just keep praying…Okay, Lord, now that this is my story let’s make it a good one. I praise God that my husband has started to seek help and for the first time is learning what it means to have a relationship with the Lord. It’s always been a great act up until now. But there are so many days that I just want to give up, deal with just me and my boys and let him unscrew his own mess. There are a lot of days where I have a hard time even looking at him, it just hurts to much. And those are the moments when I need to remind myself to look to Jesus because He loves me and He has given everything for me. Thank God. I don’t know what others would do in our shoes that don’t know the Lord. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have Him. Thank you guys for sharing. I’m not even on the same continent as most of you, but God can cover huge territory and having sisters share and encourage means the world.
Satan is the enemy. And he is fiercly attacking our husbands. He knows exactly who is vulnerable to his assaults, and where to throw his wicked punch. Inside my husband is a man of many talents and wonderful qualities. I love that man. I am fighting with all my might to get him back. But, he has to fight even harder or it won’t work.
Becky, I would like to have physical sight of another woman in our shoes as well. Although, I am deeply saddened for any woman who is suffering from this near debilitating trauma, as we are.
I continue to lift us all up in prayer, and I know that each of us can make it through this…one step at a time, one day at a time, with God’s help.
What to do when your husband admits (after 22 years) to having homosexual relationships before your marriage? I’m unable at present to get past this omission. For so long I thought that if I could just work harder, I would finally become attractive enough for him to want sex with me. I tried so hard. I read help books, tried to get him to read too. He just told me that he didn’t need it so much and that his work must always take precedence. All those years he did not come to bed with me till the wee hours of the morning. And I believed him. Why wouldn’t I want to trust my husband? It finally dawned on me to ask him outright and he angrily replied that, yes, he had engaged in homosexuality, but it was all in the past and why did I want to know about it. He absolutely refused to get counselling and now I am back at square one only with a growing uneasiness. I wake up at night in fear knowing he’s in the basement and not with me and I think I know what he is really doing, but he is a software designer and is very good at hiding his tracks. So I have no way of proving anything.
Not having proof of internet porn yet every indication of it, coupled with the complete lack of intimacy yet the homosexual background of my husband ,has me in the twilight zone! Shall I keep pretending all is well?
Sonya, How I wish I could set my eyes on another woman who is doing what I am doing, and see her breathing and her heart beating because sometimes I feel like I may not make it till tomorrow. But God knows that in our loneliness we turn to Him. David knew loneliness in those caves as Saul pursued him, and he cried out to God. What a good example of how we can lean on God when we feel there is no one else. How we have to lean on God. How we have to fight for sanity, for hope, for peace. I am so glad to have this place to voice my pain. I am praying for each one of you ladies. Remember your husband is not your enemy.
How I wish we could all be together in the same room, holding on to each other, comforting each other, and crying out to our Father in our shared pain.
Thank you, Renee, for providing this resource, so that if we cannot all be together in physical presence, we can certainly do so in mind, spirit, and most of all…in Him.
Diana, I have gone back, read and re-read these pages a hundred times, sometimes I come here for encouragement two times a day. How does a wife walk a road like this without the hope of Jesus? I was thinking today my own past, of the miraculous power of a moment. What God accomplished in the moment Jesus took his last breathe, what was accomplished in the moment the stone was rolled away. Then I began to think about my own past, my own deep struggles, my own “baggage”. Isn’t that part of this process? Evaluate ourselves, work on our own healing? I was talking with a friend on the issues of trust. How do I ever trust my husband? How do I trust this man who I now feel I do not know? I am so relieved to know that I can fully trust in God. I can’t always see at the moment what He is doing, or to know the full plan of what is happening, but He is there, sewing and patching, cutting and piecing the lives we lead. Sometimes i have to just take a deep breathe know that God’s hand is not busy doing something else while I cry in darkness. His hand is holding me, and my kids. His hand is holding my husband, maybe quite tightly in His rebellion, maybe quite gently in his pain. I can’t really say what is or isn’t God’s hand when I see circumstances, but none the less God’s hand isn’t busy somewhere else. His hand holds each lovely woman reading this as well, and each of your husbands. Do not stop telling Jesus your needs, and your hurts, and your hopes. I was looking out my kitchen window a couple of weeks ago, and the biggest, fattest red cardinal I have ever seen landed on the bush. I immediatley thought of Matthew 6:26 where Jesus is talking about caring for us MORE than the birds of the field. Just as I said “that’s right Lord”, the bird looked right at me and seemed to stare. Funny how God sends those moments. Goodnight ladies.
Wow. I am so moved by the outpouring of your hearts. I just want to read and reread these powerful testimonies. Thank you so much for sharing your insights. It is obvious that God is connecting us for a purpose. I will pray for each one of you.
Diana
Renee,
This is so hard,I find so many issues complicate the reflection in the mirror. I and all of us Ladies MUST turn to what the Word of God says about us, because the ideas we can develop about ourselves due to the failures of our husbands will swallow us whole. I have said on countless occasions that I was cinderella. I was. He was my knight in shining armor. Doesn’t every little girl want to be rescued. I read the book Capitivating by John & Stasia Etheridge ( I think) what a good book. It talks about the beauty and plan of Eve. The heart of a woman. I have been heavy all my life, but I was the fat girl that wouldn’t, couldn’t believe she was ugly. My husband and I were best friends for 2 yrs before he proposed. And it was a dream. i thought he was marrying me because I was wholesome, and committed, and beautiful. All the other girls he ever dated were georgeous, stunning. He has since explained them as trophies to throw off any suspitions of his SSA. I realize that after all these years, 9 to be exact, I was thinking that because he chose me it put me in the category with those girls. You know what, I am far above any category created by man. I read to my children last night from psalm 139 we are fearfully and wonderfully made, I showed them their ultrasound pictures and talked with them about how I loved them the moment I knew about them. That applies to me. And to each woman reading this. We must remain soft, fight the bitterness, fight the hatred filling your heart. My husband was fearfully and wonderfully made too, and he was not made gay. I must seek Christ so I can love him. If he were a perfect stranger on the street I could offer him Christ. So how much more to love my husband? If all I can say sometimes is Jesus, you know what your doing. i do sometimes feel like darkness has swallowed me whole, but God does not give us more than we can bear, and nothing can pass by me that doesn’t first pass HIS hand. Thank you for this place of peace and encouragement.
Becky
Becky and Kristen,
I am so sorry for this trauma to you and your family. My heart cries for all of the ladies who have posted their personal distress on this blog. Kristen, My husband was a smoker for years prior to our marriage. We dated for over a year before marrying, and I was totally clueless until we had been married 6 months. Something made me ask him about that particular thing. He denied it at first, and later came clean. I was devastated. My first thought was “Who is this man I married, and how could he have hidden this from me? How stupid am I that I never knew?” The truth is, there is nothing stupid about believing and trusting our husbands. That is what we are called to do. Their behavior has NOTHING to do with us.
Becky is right in that Christ knows His plan for us, and can groom us to be of service to Him in perhaps a vastly different way than we ever dreamed of before now. I truly believe that God moved me to marry my husband. I am steadfast in the belief that he chose me for him. Although it has been a rocky road (to say the least), I am not angry with God. I know this is a sickness, and he needs help. God has given me a very important job…to love, forgive, and help my husband draw closer to Christ, and farther from sin. If he refuses to continue getting help, he will be choosing to leave our family. I just started counseling for myself, and with that tool I feel that I will know when, and if, I need to dissolve the marriage. But right now, my job is clear.
God loves our husbands. It pains Him greatly to watch them choosing the world over Him. He wants their recovery, too. There is a wonderful person buried deep under the debris sin has left in my husband. My prayer is to find that man again.
Regarding sex, that was another thing I should’ve picked up on, but I just thought he was one of the minority in the world that is just not that interested in sex. Although it did not start out that way, for several years he has been completely disinterested in engaging in sex. It has been up to me to intiate it. It NEVER ocurred to me that he was gay. It never ocurred to me that it was just ME he didn’t want to have sex with, because he was getting plenty of it somewhere else. I once told my best friend “If I didn’t know better, I would think my husband is gay.” But I knew better. No way. We were CHRISTIANS. Christians just don’t do that kind of thing! What an eye-opener all of this has been!
When I found out the truth, I felt stupid, humiliated, disgusted, betrayed, unloved, sick, bewildered, and lost. How could I have not known? Why didn’t I “get” the signs?
The bottom line is that I didn’t know because he didn’t want me to know. These men are experts in the field of lies and secrecy. It is what helps them survive their double-lives and addictions.
We don’t need to beat ourselves up because we didn’t know. What we do need to do is draw our strength from the Almighty. “I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, from which my help comes.” “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.” We will draw closer to God, we will take care of ourselves and our children. We will pray for our spouses, whether we stay married to them or not. We will allow God to use us to help each other muddle through this overwhelmingly difficult situation.
We will get through this. And we will bring Him the glory.
Good night, ladies, and may God bless you, stengthen you, and keep you all tightly wrapped in His loving arms. I am praying for us all.
Kristen,
Thanks for sharing both your pain and encouragement with all of us. I’m so sorry to hear about these struggles, though. If your husband says that he “wants to conquer this and have a better marriage”, then he should follow through on that with action, like joint counseling and long talks with you about how to improve things and prevent his acting out from happening again. Of course, as you said, you can’t “drag” him into this, but if he says he wants to work on your marriage, he should be willing to back his words with actions. Meanwhile, I hope you’re getting the support, friendship and guidance you need. My recent post on The Sexual Resolution with Joe Dallas podcast links to a two-part series on Restoring Marriages Damaged by Sexual Sin, and I recommend that you both listen to that. It’s a free downloadable MP3.
I have read Carol Lynn Pearson’s book Goodbye, I Love You. While I really appreciate the grace and support she wanted to show her husband, I honestly can’t recommend the book because it does seem to take a pro-gay position that I can’t, as a Christian, go along with. I agree with you that the book accurately describes what a wife goes through when she find this out. But I felt like the book’s answer was to accept that fact that your husband’s gay, and be OK with it. I really don’t think that’s advice grounded in scripture and truth. Books I recommend on this subject include:
Someone I Love is Gay by Bob Davies and Anita Worthen
When Homosexuality Hits Home by Joe Dallas
I Surrender All by Clay and Renee Crosse
If your husband is serious about his own recovery, then I would recommend he read two books my husband wrote that will specifcally help him. One is Desires in Conflict and the other is The Game Plan: The Men’s 30 Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity. These are available on the WifeBoat Store.
But again, Kristen, we’re all rooting for you that you and your husband rebuild and grow together. Please stay in touch. -R
Becky:
I am stunned by your post, and so sorry for what you are going through. You have been in a very lonely place and I’m glad you have reached out and posted here. But I can also see a clarity emerging for you out of the chaos of untruth, pain and disruption you have been dealing with. You know God is with you and you can see His good hand on you and your children. You are experiencing firsthand His love and provision. As His Word says, He will never leave you or forsake you and the plans He has for you are for a hope and a future and to bring you to an expected end.
I admire your determination to come out better and more formed into the image of Christ. Your children will see a strong, beautiful and courageous woman they can model themselves after. That is the most blessed reward! Keep the truth of God’s Word ever before you to build your faith and give you wisdom.
And I pray God will bring you friends and support – you can’t do this alone. Just so you know, because of the feedback I’ve gotten about the lack of support available for women, I am considering doing an online support group sometime in late spring. Please keep in touch with this blog for updates on that. I hope you’ll be able to join us then. But your comment about friendship is very important and I’m glad you’re making the effort to find like-minded freinds. I had to do that too. If you haven’t already read my post on friendship, please check it out.
Becky, the WifeBoat community will be keeping you, your family and your husband in prayer. Please stay in touch and let us know how you’re doing. God Bless, and take good care of yourself. -R
I just found your website as I’m looking for supportive information to help me in my own situation and journey. I can relate with so many of you. I just found out about a month ago that my husband has a past of homosexual porn and has same sex attraction. I have 3 kids and have been married for almost 14 years. Almost 5 years ago, I found out that my husband was a smoker. I felt like the most gullible wife of the century! How could he have hidden a thing like SMOKING from me for our whole 9-year marriage! I hated myself for being so trusting, I hated him for the deception, I hated knowing he even had it in him to lie to me like that. My world fell apart. When dragging him to our Bishop and to counseling did nothing and he lied again and again about quitting and the money and everything I had to realize that he was just going to do what he was going to do and I had to work on being okay with ME. It has been hard for me with him not willing to deal with our marriage, but with 3 kids I want to make life as nice as possible for them. When we did go to counseling, our counselor said in every case like ours that he had ever had where the husband was hiding something like smoking, there was ALWAYS another secret beyond that. He had not seen any exceptions and he was concerned that my husband was also hiding something else. My husband swore over and over to me up and down that there was nothing else. I think I almost started to believe it, but it’s always been in the back of my mind. I even at one point over the last 5 years did ask him outright if there was any kind of homosexual issues because he never initiated sex. Of course he denied it. And I trusted it, I don’t know why. Well, last month I found some writings of his, describing himself in some very pornographic sexual behaviors with other men and I confronted him. He told me about the gay porn he used to look at etc. but has never “done” anything with anyone. I am now in my own state of “shock and awe”! “Shock” because I can’t believe how horrible this stuff is that is in his head and if I hadn’t found the writings I don’t think I would believe it. But at the same time I am in “awe” because I have seen my Heavenly Father bless me in so many ways in the last 5 years. Everything that has come into my life since then has prepared me for finding out this information at the time I was supposed to find it. Had I found out the homosexual stuff 5 years ago with the smoking, I probably would have been suicidal. Line upon line, precept on precept, that is how he lifts us and teaches us. I am still having a tough time, but I know there is divinity in all of it somehow. He says he wants to conquer this and have a better marriage and I have a lot of work to do on my anger and some other things still holding me back, but I knew 14 years ago that I was supposed to marry him, so for now I will stick it out for my kids and see what he does and how determined he is to get help. I will not drag him to do anything this time. I learned that lesson 5 years ago. He has to want it. So I’m praying for that. By the way, Carol Lynn Pearson wrote a book called “Goodbye, I Love You” about her life with her gay husband. I recommend it. I have been amazed at how many I’m finding there are in this same situation. May we all be strong and know The Lord loves you!
I have been reading this blog since October when I found out that my husband has been involved in homosexuality. tonight is the first night night I have been able to work up enough courage to write. I knew something wasn’t right, in fact in January of last year I awoke to a darkness in my room in the middle of the night, a dream of sorts telling me he was involved in homosexuality. It was too dark to be the Lord, so I prayed over our three kids, he was away on business. I went back to bed. but our lives just kept getting worse. In September of this year he finally left after I asked him if he was seeing someone else. HE said he left He left because I mistrusted him. Three weeks later I found homosexual content on a shared e-mail account and he confessed to two affairs. He says he hates himself. He says he cares for me but he can’t ever promise he can be faithful to me. I am hurt, angry, and absolutley crushed. We fell in love while serving Christ in our church. We have experienced countless blessings and now he is drinking, getting tatoos, using tabbacco…. while I understand those aren’t the end of the world issues, it’s like he is 19 all of a sudden not 31 with 3 kids and a family. He has been demoted twice at work, and things just keep getting worse. But I am thankful to My Father in Heaven how he has held me, and my kids. He has been a constant source of peace. A constant provider financially. I am able to finally function due to His ever present draw. I am fighting don’t get me wrong. I must FIGHT the mental lies everyday of Satan. I am beautiful, I am lovely. I am LOVED. I have to come out of this, there must be something left of me, something my daughters can admire, something in me my son will want to someday look for in a wife. I must remain soft and alive. Not dead and empty. Even if my husband doesn’t choose Christ and reconciiation I must remain workable for Jesus to use me. I MUST. I also sometimes when reading John 15 am reminded that Jesus prunes those who desires to bear fruit and he prunes those he desires to bear MORE fruit. I am so thankful to read the stories of the other women. There are no counselors that I can find within 85 miles who have experience with this issue, no one who is the wife of a man refusing to deal with it, so this blog really is a lifeboat. And Cate, Sonya, I too am nausea all the time I have lost 56 lbs, I too take an anti-anxiety and sleeping medications. It has gotten better, it may feel like bitterness in your mouth when someone says get out find friends, but I have found that it really does help alot to find friends.
The first time I began reading all the posts, I had to stop. I could not progress through to read them thoroughly. It was too painful. There was too much personal torment in the comments. Not only did I grieve for myself, but for all of you.
As I go back now and revisit them, I notice amazing strength and selflessness in each of you. Many of your personal stories hit home with me, particularly Nel’s. Although I would not wish this tragedy on anyone, it is comforting to know that I am not alone.
I have support, and more importantly, I have God. Without Him, I would not be where I am today…still in the marriage….still fighting for my husband…still giving him over to the Lord on a daily basis.
My husband has been participating in same-sex relationships since before we were married. The biggest part of our dating relationship was our shared faith. I was absolutely positive when I married him, that he loved God with all of his heart, soul, and mind. Now, he tells me that he has never felt a relationship with God, and doesn’t even know if he is a believer….or ever has been. This is a man who has fooled everyone in our congregation. He has taken active roles in worship and teaching. We have raised our sons to love and serve the Lord.
He says he loves us, and that he doesn’t want to lose us, but he is torn. His homosexual addiction is pulling a lot harder at him than his family because he has had the addiction much longer. He does not want to have intimate relations with me at all, and is filled with anger at having to make a choice. Confusion is ruling his life. Selfishness, guilt, shame and resentment are destroying him.
He has not acted out with men since he told me (September), and is not into porn. He doesn’t have any books or magazines, and wouldn’t know how to find anything on online. Plus, I check history in case he has gained knowledge in computer use, but there is nothing. He says he has not given up, but I am not sure that is true.
God promises He is our refuge, and that His grace is sufficient for us all. We have to find our strength in Him and press on toward the goal. He can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. I am growing in my already established faith, and looking forward to an even firmer foundation in Christ. My prayer is that all of our spouses seek Him also, and that we are not only conquerors, but overcomers!!!!! Blessings to you all.
Sonya:
Regarding your post on Dec 31: I am sorry not to reply sooner, but I had surgery on the 30th and am still on the mend. I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through, and all of us here know that there aren’t any easy answers. But so much depends on your husband’s viewpoint on homosexuality, and his commitment to your marriage. The two of you can work together to build up trust and a healthy closeness, but only if he’s convinced that any sexual behavior apart from you is unacceptable, and that your marriage and family are worth fighting for.
Here are three important questions that I hope he will answer: 1. Is he willing to abstain from homosexual porn or behavior no matter how deeply attracted he may be to men? 2. Is he willing to work on sexual and emotional intimacy with you no matter how difficult it seems to him now? 3. Does he have a relationship with God through Christ, and is God’s will for him, as revealed in Scripture, his first priority? If he can answer yes to these three questions, then I think there’s plenty of hope for you and your family.
Meanwhile, please be sure you’re taking care of yourself and leaning on whatever resources – family, friends, pastor, counselor – that are available. I’m actually considering starting an online support group for wives in this kind of situation, because I keep hearing from women like you who don’t have a group near you. I’ll keep you posted on that.
Also, I recommend you take a look at my latest post containing “The WifeBoat Just for Today List” and print out the pdf at the end. This will help you keep things in perspective for now. Please stay in touch with all of us at WifeBoat and let us know how you’re doing. -R
Maureen:
Regarding your post on Jan 2nd: I’m sorry not to reply sooner, but I had surgery on the 30th and am still on the mend. I’m glad your husband was honest with you about his feelings for men from the beginning, but I’m sure that when he told you he was attracted to men, you were not agreeing that his attractions gave him permission to look at porn! After all, there’s a pretty big difference between having sexual attractions, and feeding them through pornography. I’m sorry to hear that he’s not taking this difference seriously.
But you need to take it seriously. It is definately not a betrayal of him or your marriage for you to see a counselor or a pastor regarding this. Your husband is very wrong in referring to porn as “no big deal”, but if he’s not willing to deal with it, you need to at least get some help in dealing with a husband who has an unacceptable habit that he’s not willing to break. Of course, it’s important to be discreet, and to not shame him by indiscriminately talking to everyone about this (that’s a mistake I’ve seen many women make, and it’s one of my soapbox issues!) but you do need to talk to someone. So please do. If your husband objects, tell him “Just because you refuse to recognize how serious your problem is, doesn’t mean I have to go along with your denial. I’m hurt and wounded by your behavior, and since you won’t work with me on this, I have to find someone who will.”
I’m considering doing an online support group for wives in your type of situation, so I’ll keep you posted on that. I also recommend you check out my post containing “The WifeBoat Just for Today” list and print it out. This will help keep things in perspective.
Please stay in touch with all of us at WifeBoat and take care of yourself. -R
To Nel, Cate and Michelle I want to say I appreciate you all coming forward and sharing your situations. And Cathy thank you for your encouragement. It means so much to know that we can connect in this way. I want to commit to pray for you all. God knows all the details of your situations. I can pray knowing somewhat your emotional and spiritual struggles. I hope your husband’s will find their identities in Christ and not allow their same sex attraction issue to define them. What I see in my husband that has caused the most damage in our relationship is his driving desire to protect himself. His priority has been to control his environment and relationships to protect his fragile self image. He sacrificied honesty and intimacy to do that. That same self protective tendency can cause us all to withdraw and isolate from those who could help us. Even to cause us to withdraw from the One who wants to satisfy our every need in Himself. I hope you each find a sensitive and helpful counselor to work with. We didn’t find one locally, unfortunately, but I recommend the resources of Exodus International. Don’t give up. -Diana
I was so happy to read that there is a difference between homosexual orientation and homosexual behavior. 20+ years ago when my husband and I were preparing for marriage he told me that he was attracted to men, but had never acted on that attraction and never planned to. Recently I have found him exploring homosexual pornography and I’m devastated. He reminds me that he told me when we got married that he had these feelings. He also says it’s no big deal, and that I’m not to tell anyone. So I’m hurt, confused, angry and feeling alone. I think we need counseling, but I’m not sure he would go. I know that he would be embarrased to talk about the pornography. I don’t feel like I can just let it go, but I feel that if I seek help I’m betraying him. I could really use some advice
The first week of September, my husband was forced into telling me that he is gay. We have been married almost 12 years, and have 2 young sons. For years, I have known something was wrong, but never once did this issue occur to me. I can absolutely relate to all of you who have shared your own personal experiences. Like Cate, I had so much difficulty eating, that I lost a lot of weight very rapidly. I still battle with nausea daily. In order to function, I am on an anti-depressant. In order to sleep, I am on prescription sleeping pills. He has been in counseling, and both of us have tried support groups, but the closest one to us is an hour and a half away, and none of the people involved share our particular problem. At this point, he doesn’t even know if he wants to keep trying to save our marriage. His phone counselor was great, but just told him he was not going to be doing phone counseling anymore. He is taking on another job. Two days ago, he sent my husband a message and referred him to Joe Dallas. So far, my husband has not responded. Although I am terrified…mostly that my children will find out…I do know that God is with me. I am grateful for this blog.
Cate:
It’s so hard when you hear this kind of news. So many women reading your post can relate to what it’s like to break down in the grocery store, or to wonder if things can ever be the same again. So many questions, and so many doubts about the future. Of course, alot depends on your husband’s committment to the marriage, and to restoring whatever trust has been broken between the two of you. That’s going to take time, and some wise counsel from someone who can help the two of you move on.
You need someone to talk with– please seek out a safe person, Christian couselor or pastor as soon as possible. You have a situation that is hard, but by no means helpless–the trick is sorting out exactly what it is the two of you are dealing with and how to respond to it effectively. The hurt will probably be there for awhile, but if you’ve taken concrete steps, it will help you feel more in control.
Please let us know how things are going with you. Take care. -R
Nel,
One thing we can’t change is someone’s free will. I’m sure your husband didn’t ask for, or choose, his sexual feelings for men. But now matter how strong they are, he still has the ability to choose who he’ll be with and what his priorities will be. The affair obviously tapped into something very strong in him, and who knows what sort of confusion that’s created. But that’s where free will comes in. He can’t choose to just “change” in his feelings, but he can choose whether or not to express them, and who with.
And I think that’s maybe the biggest challenge here. If he is willing to protect your marriage then the two of you could work together to rebuild and hang on to what you have. It sounds to me like he wants to “finalize” this one way or another, so I’d recommend the two of you sit down with a qualified counselor who can help you sort out where you go from here, before making any more declarations to other people. A 25 year old marriage that produced 3 kids is worth fighting for, and I hope both of you will be up for that fight. Keep us all posted as to how you’re doing, and I know all the women in the WifeBoat community will be praying for you. -R
I’m about a month into dealing with this crisis. I’ve been married for 5 years and have 2 small kids. I’m still breaking down in the grocery store, not able to eat because I’m nauseous and grappeling with how different my life is going to be. That of all things right now, is the hardest topic for me to deal with. How do you come to accept that your husband will never (has never) want you like you crave him? How can I deal with the fear that I will always be trying to look into his eyes and determine if he’s thinking of me or some man? I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I feel like I’m crazy and it’s soothing in a way to hear that other people have dealt with and are dealing with this crisis also. Thank you for sharing and if you have any words of wisdom I am appreciative of anything I can get right now.
I have known for a little over a year of my husbands brief affair with a man which caused him to rethink his identity, life and marriage. We have been married for 25 years, have 3 children and always have had a close, wonderful relationship in all ways. He had some childhood experiences which he had never shared with me, and over the past few years some depression, anger, stress which sometimes made him distant. Evidently he was also struggling with same sex attraction, but never thought it would affect our marriage or his committment to me and the family. This affair caused him to feel that he is meant to be gay and therefore must come out and live as a gay man. I don’t know how to respond to this conclusion since he also says he loves me and the family. We have tried to work at talking about this and have seen a couple of counselors(who didn’t have experience with this) but I thought he was opening up a bit and maybe willing to think work through some things. Then suddenly, recently, he told some close friends, without asking or discussing with me, that he needs to come out and wants to tell the children. How do I respond to this and what can I do when there are so many possibilities, and the damage and pain related to doing this are so great.
Diana, Thank you for posting your very personal struggle with living in a platonic marriage. After 7 years of marriage, I am facing that same reality and found it so refreshing to read that I am not alone. I have felt many of the same things you voiced in your postings. It is like sunshine on my face on a very cloudy day to know that there are others out there just like me. May God continue to bless you and honor your commitement to your marriage!
Diana, I am so blessed to hear that you and your husband were able to have a conversation about intimacy that was helpful, it sounds, to both of you. It’s in times like that, when we see God’s grace operating, we are encouraged to keep on going.
Your focus on waiting on God and pursuing emotional health will inform all the other issues that surround you. And I think that’s as it should be. The Lord will build you up in the “inner being” (read Ephesians 3:14-21-it’s awesome!) and the fruit of the Spirit will become more and more evident in your life. (Galatians 5:22).
And I love those verses in Habakkuk! I taught that book in a class this last year, and those verses in particular have come back to comfort me over and over again. Even now as I re-read them on your post, I feel a swell of praise and rejoicing coming on. In Him, we are indeed overcomers. All my best to you! -R
I really want to thank both of you for your thoughtful and encouraging words.
Renee, I appreciate your encouragement to not give up on physical intimacy with my husband. It gave me courage to have a conversation with him last Sunday that went well. His healing has brought him to the point of at least being able to discuss intimacy without becoming defensive and withdrawn. That’s progress.
Cathy, I appreciate your words of hope. You speak from a place of well-tried faith. I do believe God can heal my marriage. I do believe God works miracles. I’m also trying to be careful not to make assumptions about what a healed marriage would look like. Our counselor cautioned me to be content with the limitations of our relationship. To me the biggest challenge is to wait on God and yet pursue emotional health. To look to my relationship with Christ to fulfill my deepest needs yet not become emotionally detached from my husband. To be real with God and my husband about my desires, but not demand a response from either. I can praise God that we have so much more stability and peace than we did a year ago. God has provided people and resources that are very helpful. We have very limited counseling resources in our city. Renee, your husband, and Mike Rosebush have been a great blessing to us.
With that said, I take comfort from the last couple verses in Habakkuk. He says that “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the height.”
God bless you both. Diana
Cathy, I’m so glad you took the time to post here. It sounds like you went through some incredibly painful moments in dealing with your husband’s disclosure. And yet, you had incredibly poignant, personal moments with Jesus that may never have happened otherwise. I’m so blessed to hear your marriage is not only healing, but thriving. You also brought up some important points which I think merit discussion:
First, I agree that God wants to heal and restore marriages—He’s all about redemption! Our part is to be open to hearing from Him, and in that process many miraculous changes can come. But there is no one-size fits-all solution. As you said– each person’s marriage and relationship with God is unique. So for some, different boundaries may have to be set, different processes may follow; and because each person’s responses are different, the outcome is not always the same.
But some things are universal – for everyone going through difficulty, God’s solutions always entail a greater knowledge of His love for us. I so appreciate that you began to know Jesus so well that His love started to overflow from you (John 7:38). It is in knowing His love firsthand (not just knowing about it) that gives us overcoming power – the power of love (agape), of a sound mind, and faith that replaces fear. (II Tim. 1:7).
Next, it is absolutely essential to have support from godly, praying friends, whether in a structured format, (support groups) or in an informal way. My friends were instrumental in my healing (see my post, Paris Hilton’s New BFF), and I’ve found this to be true in the stories of others.
Second, the process you shared produced patience, endurance and strength. I wish there were a pill we could take to make us instantly so; but God’s way refines us in ways we will never understand until we meet Him face to face.
Thanks for such hopeful post. God bless you and your family. -R
My heart goes out to Diana. After 15 years of marriage (and having two young sons), my husband told me he never loved me, and that porn meant more to him than I did. I was so devastated I didn’t want to live, and I slept in the living room for several months. I didn’t even want the comfort of the couch, so I slept on the floor. Through the help of praying friends, God gave me the grace to not only forgive my husband, but to fall so much in love with Jesus that His love spilled out onto my husband, and I cared little whether my husband loved me. On our wedding invitations so many years ago was the prayer of Saint Francis: “Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be loved as to love…” Of course, God’s relationship with each person is unique, and His solution for you, though it certainly entails a greater knowledge of God’s love for you, will not be the same as it was for me. I just want to encourage you that God can and will do miraculous things for marriage. Remember that his first miracle was to help a marriage. I started telling my husband every day that I loved him…even though it started out sounding stilted and insincere, I guess because I was so unused to saying it. There’s so much more to my story of God’s healing, but I can tell you that He is healing my marriage, now 30 years together, and happier than ever; and I believe He will heal yours.
Diana, I’m glad to hear you and your husband are facing this together, and that you’re seeking counseling. Your counselor’s the one who can best help you figure out your potential as a couple for sexual intimacy. As far as your question goes, since marriage is a sexual covenant, I don’t see why anyone would be “okay” with a platonic marriage. So I hope that in your therapy the two of you can keep exploring your potential to build on the 25 years that already been invested in this life. After all, since God created you a sexual being, He’s certainly not going to reverse Himself by making you “non-sexual”.
Since you realize this is an issue, (even though I know it’s so hurtful) it’s better that it’s out on the table. Now you’ll have a place to start. Hopefully it will now be easier to identify any other imtimacy problems that might have been with you all these years. So this is the beginning. Now let’s see what God will do to resolve the problem He has allowed to come to light. Please stay in touch with WifeBoat and let us know how things are going. God bless you and your husband. -R
This year, finally, after 25 years of marriage the truth about my husband’s same sex attraction struggle came to light. For 25 years I had tried to come to every other conclusion but that to explain our intimacy issues. I think we are both relieved to have it out (he more than I). We are committed to each other and have sought out counseling. The bottom line though is: this is not going away. This isn’t “fixable”. This is part of who he is. He is committed to not acting out. He really wants to be close to me. He wants to be a good husband and father. However, he does not seem to either be able or willing to respond to me in a sexual way. What kind of marriage can we have in the light of this? I feel that our relationship has an underlying grief that will never go away. It’s not that I can’t enjoy the good times or appreciate our friendship. I wish God would take away the desire for intimacy from me. I don’t need to be reassured that I am desirable. I don’t need to pursued sexually for my self image to be sustained. I need to know and be known on a personal physical level and express myself as the sexual being I was created to be. I am deeply conflicted. Should I really be ok with this? Is it my calling to live with my husband in a platonic relationship?