Me: Raised in a Christian, healthy home with loving parents in a safe, vibrantly happy atmosphere.
Him: Worldly wise and charming; a committed Christian, talented and smart.
Us: A born-again couple ministering in a contemporary Christian band, writing and performing our own music, traveling the country while playing at churches, Christian coffee houses and concert events. Everything was in place, so how could it all fall apart?
No warning signs; no red flags. Years into our marriage, we’d just had our first child when he broke the news, along with my heart: I’m seeing someone else, and I’m not breaking it off.
Crash! And nothing would ever be the same. But rather than dive into all the gory details (you didn’t think this was one of those blogs, did you?) let me share some questions my 24 year old self asked then, and the answers my older-but-won’t-tell-you-her-age self would now give to that frightened, crumpled young woman who wailed, “This wasn’t supposed to happen to a nice Christian girl!”
Should I have seen this coming?
Unless you can out-prophesy Elijah himself, how are earth can you predict when and how someone will make bad decisions? Your question is just another way of telling yourself you’re somehow responsible. People sin girl, and when they do, nobody makes them do it, and nobody can predict when and how they’ll do it.
Why did he do it?
Ask him, not that you’ll get much of an answer. Men who don’t control themselves aren’t big on self-examination, after all. And when they go outside their marriages, there’s hardly ever one reason. A cheap thrill, a divided heart, a need to have his ego stroked, an addiction to dangerous ‘rushes’ – all these reasons and more can contribute to this kind of thing. One thing’s for sure, though. He did it; not you.
So what should I do?
If he’s willing to build up what he’s torn apart, and you’re wiling to take him back, then go for it. But you need to insist on a clear action plan, with some good counseling, a one-and-for-all break in any communication with ‘her’, and some long hard talks about how this happened and what’s going be done to keep it from ever happening again. Then again, if he’s not willing to work this out, grieve. Weep. Scream, if you must. Then lean heavily on the people who love you, because you need them. Hunker down and seek God like He’s the bread and you’re the starving man. Don’t take responsibility for the mess your husband made, but do take full responsibility for dealing with it like a grown, godly woman.
But I’m so angry I want to hurt him!
That’ll solve everything, won’t it? Look, things are bad enough without you making a bigger mess of them. It’s easy to see yourself as the victim who’s entitled to lash out, but believe it or not, you don’t a get a “pass” on the command to be Christ like just because you’ve been betrayed. In fact, in betrayal, He showed His true self, didn’t He? You’re His follower, so don’t think you can do anything less than Him.
When does the pain stop?
When do injuries heal? How long does it take? It all depends on the kind of injury, doesn’t it? So try seeing yourself like someone who’s in a body cast after a terrible car accident. All she can do for awhile is rest, hurt, and ask as little of herself as possible while she gets care. So be sure you have someone to talk to, friends to lean on, a prayer life to invest in and a church to embrace you. That’s your body cast. Let it protect you while the miracle of your healing happens slowly but surely, and wait.
I wish someone had given me that advice back in ’81. But thank God, I did have good friends, wonderful family, strong church fellowship, and an Italian lady’s stubborn grit. My marriage ended – he chose not to try; I chose not to wallow. Oh, the pain was huge, and the loneliness was indescribable. Me alone, with a newborn baby and a broken spirit. I felt as helpless as my infant! All the stars got knocked out of my eyes that first bleak year, while I struggled to make ends meet and move on in life, knowing now how very few guarantees it held and how hugely people could fail you.
Years later I met my husband Joe. On our second date, he admitted to me that he’d been extensively involved in sexual sin and was beginning his own recovery process. That led me to one more question:
Are there any normal men out there?
Three years later we married. 21 years later here we are, and I still don’t know if there are any normal men out there. 
But I do know a few things now: Terrible things do happen to nice Christian girls, but wonderful things also happen, in His time, to heartbroken Christian women. And God, the great Surpriser and Redeemer, does have thoughts towards us that are thoughts of peace, not evil. May that peace be yours even now.
Hello. I have never been married, but I do like to read about issues that married women are experiencing. I appreciate the honesty. All of you are in my prayers.